FMLs submitted from New York

Today, I received a text message from my favorite sister saying "Great news! The technology in condoms has improved so much that they ensure that accidents like you won't ever happen again!" Today's my birthday. FML

by Anonymous / 09/01/2009 at 3:19pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was at my only sister's wedding. She gave a speech about the person who means the most to her. She said, "She is my favorite sister who has always been there for me." Being her only sister, I got up to hug her. Turns out she was talking about her slutty sorority sister. Not me. FML

by ohsugarxo / 08/31/2009 at 1:21pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I received official notification that my license was being suspended for multiple DUIs. Apparently, my brother is a drunk and has been using my ID. FML

by Notabum / 08/31/2009 at 12:30am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was at my favorite Mexican restaurant when I realized my really cute waiter, along with his buddies kept looking at me and smiling. Trying to be cool, I took a bite of my burrito, choked, and spilled ground beef down my new shirt and in my bra. They laughed the whole time. FML

by pootythe5th / 08/30/2009 at 2:09pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I finished moving out of my apartment and decided to clean the fridge before I left. I pulled out a drawer that I never used and was shocked to find a moldy, rotten, decayed watermelon. I remembered that I had bought a watermelon the first week I moved into the apartment. Four years ago. FML

by rydawg79 / 08/30/2009 at 2:29am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I left for college. I spent hundreds of dollars on clothes, bedding and other things. After packing my entire closet and everything else I needed, I left only to have to head back home. My dad forgot to pay the first semesters tuition. He said "Oh well, you would have failed out anyway." FML

by Anonymous / 08/28/2009 at 8:59pm / United States (New York) / Money

Today, I was at a concert and the guy who was selling the drinks tripped and fell down the stairs, landing on the floor next to me and the drinks went all over. I went to make sure he was okay and helped pick up the drinks. After assuring me he was okay, he gave me a free soda. It exploded. FML

by blinkme / 08/28/2009 at 1:39am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mom told me she was getting tired of that smell of marijuana in the house. So I confess and tell her I will never bring it home again. She was talking about my neighbors. FML

by Dumbweed / 08/28/2009 at 12:42am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I tried to initiate sex with my boyfriend. As I put on my most seductive moves, he ever so nicely says, "Babe, we just had sex last night. Why don't we wait a while so you've had some time to tighten back up." FML

by LizP40 / 08/27/2009 at 12:46pm / United States (New York) / Intimacy

Today, my wife and I had another couple over. My wife was beside me while we all talked in the kitchen. I turned to put something in the fridge, and the other couple went into the next room. Turning back, I groped my wife's breasts playfully. She screamed and slapped me. It wasn't my wife. FML

by InTheDoghouse23 / 08/24/2009 at 5:25pm / United States (New York) / Intimacy

Today, I posted a status update on Facebook about how much I liked the Season Finale of NBC's "Heroes". My hand slipped to the right and it came out as "I really love Herpes. It's much better than everyone says it is". I didn't notice for few hours. FML

by NotThatKind / 08/24/2009 at 12:28am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was at my grandfather's house and my car was low on gas. He said I could put some of his gas in my car. He accidentally gave me the wrong tank to pump it out of, and I put fuel in my car that he uses for his small plane. It never ran better until the engine exploded. FML

by Boltz719 / 08/23/2009 at 1:10am / United States (New York) / Transportation

Today, as I was getting into work, I saw a co-worker of mine walking in front of me. We're really good friends and we joke around a lot, so I jokingly whistled at him and slapped his butt. Turns out it wasn't my friend, it was the new guy. Hello, sexual harassment charges. FML

by introuble / 08/23/2009 at 12:48am / United States (New York) / Work