FMLs submitted from New York

Today, I stepped on the MacBook Air I purchased 4 days ago. The screen snapped in two, and I didn't buy insurance because I promised myself I would be "extra careful." $3500 well spent. FML

by AyDiosMio42 / 09/08/2009 at 2:31am / United States (New York) / Money

Today, I finally figured out why my 5 year old daughter washes her hair everyday. It's because she doesn't want to have "yucky greasy" hair like her mommy. FML

by greasyhair / 09/07/2009 at 4:25pm / United States (New York) / Kids

Today, my husband asked me for permission to have an affair with his hot secretary. FML

by mandinga / 09/06/2009 at 5:35pm / United States (New York) / Love

Today, I went on a busy train. I packed myself in close to a very good looking woman and, too scared to say anything, looked out the window. After feeling a hand on my ass, I assumed it was her. To not ruin the moment, I didn't look back. After a few stops, I looked back. It was an old man. FML

by M.L. / 09/06/2009 at 5:09pm / United States (New York) / Transportation

Today, while I was at the beach I decided to go into the ocean even though the waves looked rough. While I was in the water, I got caught by the riptide and needed to be saved. The reason I was at the beach? I'm a lifeguard. Now all my co-workers won't stop laughing at me. FML

by Anonymous / 09/05/2009 at 3:22am / United States (New York) / Work

Today, before class I was trying to prove I can twist myself like the people on the front of my anatomy textbook, I got onto a table and twisted my ankles behind my head. Everyone seemed impressed until I farted so loudly that it echoed in the hallway. I couldn't get my legs unstuck. FML

by flexibleflatulance / 09/04/2009 at 11:07pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to a carnival. While walking around with my cousin, I saw a one hundred dollar bill on the ground. Just before I stepped on it, a man grabbed it. His words? "Don't you just hate it when that happens?" And he walked away. FML

by bubblezzz123 / 09/04/2009 at 2:41pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, my fiancé, his mother, my father and I went out to celebrate my birthday and our recent engagement. After dinner, my father and future mother-in-law revealed to us that they had secretly been dating and were talking about also getting married. Anybody want cake? FML

by BDayssuck / 09/02/2009 at 10:47am / United States (New York) / Love

Today, I received a text message from my favorite sister saying "Great news! The technology in condoms has improved so much that they ensure that accidents like you won't ever happen again!" Today's my birthday. FML

by Anonymous / 09/01/2009 at 3:19pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was at my only sister's wedding. She gave a speech about the person who means the most to her. She said, "She is my favorite sister who has always been there for me." Being her only sister, I got up to hug her. Turns out she was talking about her slutty sorority sister. Not me. FML

by ohsugarxo / 08/31/2009 at 1:21pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I received official notification that my license was being suspended for multiple DUIs. Apparently, my brother is a drunk and has been using my ID. FML

by Notabum / 08/31/2009 at 12:30am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was at my favorite Mexican restaurant when I realized my really cute waiter, along with his buddies kept looking at me and smiling. Trying to be cool, I took a bite of my burrito, choked, and spilled ground beef down my new shirt and in my bra. They laughed the whole time. FML

by pootythe5th / 08/30/2009 at 2:09pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I finished moving out of my apartment and decided to clean the fridge before I left. I pulled out a drawer that I never used and was shocked to find a moldy, rotten, decayed watermelon. I remembered that I had bought a watermelon the first week I moved into the apartment. Four years ago. FML

by rydawg79 / 08/30/2009 at 2:29am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous