FMLs submitted from New York

Today, I threw a bonfire for my birthday. My boyfriend managed to set my leg on fire by throwing his liquor bottle into the fire. Happy birthday to me. FML

by firehurts / 06/08/2015 at 7:38pm / United States (New York) / Love

Today, I found out my husband potty trained my stubborn three year old son who prefers diapers. He managed this by peeing with him and "sword-fighting" with their urine streams. I now have to clean pee off the ground every time he urinates. FML

by diapersplease / 06/06/2015 at 9:17pm / United States (New York) / Kids

Today, I have food poisoning. My boss told me that if I didn't come into work, I'd be fired. Not 30 minutes after sitting down, I sneezed and shat my pants. My boss still won't let me leave. FML

by Anonymous / 06/06/2015 at 12:20am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out the reason my co-workers have been giving me gum every day is not because of their generosity, but because everyone in the office thinks my breath smells. FML

by smellynelly / 05/17/2015 at 12:13pm / United States (New York) / Work

Today, I woke up so hungover that when I went to the bathroom and caught sight of myself in the mirror, I screamed, slipped backwards, and smashed my head against the rim of my bathtub. FML

by hedayk / 05/15/2015 at 4:26pm / United States (New York) / Health

Today, I got screamed at to the point of tears by a Starbucks employee for "giving an obviously fake name" to confuse one of the employees. I told her my real name. My name is Ian. FML

by to_complicated_4_u / 05/04/2015 at 12:28pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had to explain to my 23-year-old female friend that when I get my hysterectomy, I will still be able to poop. FML

by biomajor99 / 04/22/2015 at 5:46pm / United States (New York) / Health

Today, I discovered why my pet bird has been hiding behind my couch pillow lately. It's not because she was nesting, as I thought. She's been secretly tearing apart the whole couch from behind there instead. FML

by thisisnotavirustrustme.exe / 04/18/2015 at 3:34pm / United States (New York) / Animals

Today, I was forced into accepting a "promotion" for a position that pays less than what I get right now. FML

by Anonymous / 04/04/2015 at 8:42am / United States (New York) / Work

Today, a coworker and I pulled a April Fools' joke on our boss. She "borrowed" his keys and rolled down his window. I took a car window from a scrap yard and sprinkled it on the ground near his door. His response was to kick the nearest object in anger. The nearest object happened to be my car. FML

by TecheyTim / 04/01/2015 at 1:46pm / United States (New York) / Work

Today, I had to teach my grandma how to burn files to CDs. I jokingly said that it doesn't involve literally burning the disks in fire, to which she responded by slapping me and calling me a patronizing brat. FML

by shamwazzlefarznarfnarfwoofbaaa / 03/29/2015 at 10:03am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out my upstairs neighbors filed a noise complaint against me for banging on the ceiling every night. They conveniently left out the part where they constantly stomp, shout, and do stuff that sounds like they're dropping bricks to the floor every night. FML

by Anonymous / 03/19/2015 at 11:56am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mom and I made the bad decision to go hiking for some mother-daughter bonding even though we had little experience. My mother tumbled down a mountain named Tumbledown and I couldn't even enjoy the irony because I had to half carry her all the way back to the car. FML

by manderpander21 / 03/16/2015 at 8:56pm / United States (New York) / Health