FMLs submitted from New York

Today, I overheard my boyfriend of two years saying he only dates me because "sometimes jerking off just ain't good enough". FML

by Ananimus / 08/26/2015 at 8:31am / United States (New York) / Love

Today, I awoke at two in the morning to my cat putting his most recent kill on my chest. When I jumped up screaming, the dead mouse went flying and now my husband and I can't find it. Better yet now both my husband and my cat are giving me the silent treatment. FML

by catlady / 08/24/2015 at 11:16pm / United States (New York) / Animals

Today, I was unaware that me losing my virginity was also breakup sex. FML

by Anonymous / 08/24/2015 at 2:08pm / United States (New York) / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend is so ashamed of me that when someone asked how far along my pregnancy is, he quickly replied "5 months now!" instead of telling them I'm not actually pregnant. FML

by Anonymous / 08/19/2015 at 1:15am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had to ride in the back seat of a car, next to a large, hyperactive dog who experiences nervous bowel movements. FML

by grace / 08/13/2015 at 10:54am / United States (New York) / Transportation

Today, my boyfriend tried to claim it was my fault that he cheated on me, all because I "deprived" him of sex for two weeks last month when I went on a family vacation. If his mental gymnastics were physical, I swear he'd be able to suck his own cock. FML

by Anonymous / 08/05/2015 at 1:35pm / United States (New York) / Love

Today, I wanted to buy a pack of cigarettes. My wife, who didn't want me to get them, decided it would be a good idea to jump on the hood of the car while I was driving off. She hit the car and fell off. My neighbor saw this. Neither her nor the cops believe me when I say I didn't hit her. FML

by Just wanted a cigarette / 07/30/2015 at 10:06pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up on the couch and realized I had fallen asleep while doing laundry. Ran to the laundry room, and found all my clothes gone. I really wish I hadn't been doing a load of all my pants. FML

by Anonymous / 07/29/2015 at 9:50pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I realized the only reason my mom trusts me to stay home alone for long periods of time is because I don't have enough friends to throw a party. FML

by Not turnt / 07/27/2015 at 3:12pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out that my parents secretly throw away any food I cook for them, because they think I might try to poison them. FML

by Rusty / 07/03/2015 at 3:02pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, after my daughter told half her class about my retainer, I advised her to keep mummy's personal details personal. Now she responds, "I'm not supposed to tell" to any question regarding our home life. Thus far, I've received six very concerned calls. FML

by Anonymous / 06/28/2015 at 1:13am / United States (New York) / Kids

Today, I woke up to my mother telling me to sit up and get dressed because we had to go before it was too late. I just woke up from surgery. She didn't want to be stuck in traffic. FML

by postop / 06/25/2015 at 11:06pm / United States (New York) / Health

Today, a woman bitched me out at the grocery store, saying that since I'm not Indian, I shouldn't be wearing a bindi - a red dot on my forehead - because it's "cultural appropriation". I was too embarrassed to tell her it was actually a pimple I'd been trying to pop on my forehead. FML

by unsuccessful popping / 06/18/2015 at 4:09pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous