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FMLs submitted from New York

Today, I took my daughter out driving to practice for her road test. I told her to make a left into a parking lot. She missed the 30 foot wide entrance, but not the two foot wide tree. FML

#21255774
105 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38511) - you deserved it (3860)

On 09/10/2014 at 4:15pm - misc - by Crash (man) - United States (New York)

Today, my husband asked our tax professional if we could file my profession as "Expert Dream Murderer." I'm a guidance counselor. FML

#21251173
77 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36399) - you deserved it (5038)

On 09/03/2014 at 2:24pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (New York)

Today, I was working at the daycare. As I left with my boyfriend, a kid came up to us and said that my boyfriend could do way better. FML

#21251155
55 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38416) - you deserved it (3705)

On 09/03/2014 at 1:40pm - kids - by unlucky - United States (New York)

Today, while eating cotton candy, a drunk person came up to me and said "HEY! COTTON CANDY!" And bit me. FML

#21249322
59 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38591) - you deserved it (3078)

On 08/31/2014 at 10:18pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (New York)

Today, my 8 year old son asked me why he had to make his bed everyday if he would just use it again. I replied with, "You flush the toilet even though you're going to use it again, right?" He said, "Good point." Now he's not making his bed or flushing the toilet. FML

#21248169
72 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38617) - you deserved it (9798)

On 08/29/2014 at 10:54pm - kids - by sam_666777 - United States (New York)

Today, I was fixing the plumbing at my father-in-law's house. I told him to shut off the water and yell to me when he did. A few minutes later, I heard a yell and removed the pipe. I was met with a face full of water. Turns out he was just very excited when the Rangers beat the Mariners. FML

#21245661
42 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37588) - you deserved it (3641)

On 08/26/2014 at 7:27am - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (New York)

Today, it's been almost a week since I returned from my vacation to Ireland. Before I rarely drank. Now I'm pretty sure I'm an alcoholic. You might think I'm joking, but I've woken up hungover every day since I landed there. I basically paid to kill my liver and become AA's next poster child. FML

#21245034
104 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29337) - you deserved it (16546)

On 08/25/2014 at 12:01pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (New York)

Today, my girlfriend sent me a bunch of sexy pics and said to come over to her place. I thought she was in the mood for sex. Nope, she just wanted me to come over and hang a shelf, after which she sent me back home. FML

#21244207
107 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42359) - you deserved it (6680)

On 08/24/2014 at 1:51am - love - by Anonymous (man) - United States (New York)

Today, I went to a baseball game with my girlfriend's dad. I got a boner when they sang the anthem, because that's what I sing in my head when having sex with his daughter so I last longer. FML

#21240482
158 comments

I agree, your life sucks (49703) - you deserved it (19270)

On 08/18/2014 at 12:39pm - intimacy - by embarrassed - United States (New York)

Today, I learned that when someone is choking you don't do the "hymen maneuver", you do the "heimlich maneuver". I was corrected by my girlfriend's parents. FML

#21240474
51 comments

I agree, your life sucks (32882) - you deserved it (14880)

On 08/18/2014 at 12:29pm - misc - by FANZZY - United States (New York)

Today, I was watching my 3 year old brother. He asked me to get him a cookie and I said, "What's the magic word?" He looked at me angrily and said "Bitch, please." FML

#21227114
105 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45776) - you deserved it (7798)

On 08/01/2014 at 9:57pm - kids - by WickedRene (woman) - United States (New York)

Today, I had to go to the hospital to get blood taken. The nurse mentioned how pronounced and easy to see my veins are. I guess that explains why she missed five times in a row. I'm surprised my arm doesn't look like a heroin addict's right now. FML

#21222027
77 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39056) - you deserved it (2886)

On 07/27/2014 at 12:13pm - health - by Anonymous (man) - United States (New York)

Today, I woke up from a horrible nightmare. What was it about? Me accidentally scratching a non-stick pan with my utility knife. FML



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