FMLs submitted from New York

Today, I was peeing at a urinal, when the man next to me finished up and shook his penis. I got splashed. FML

by itwaswarm / 09/25/2015 at 5:04pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I told my husband I was pregnant, then he fainted. FML

by wifeofafainter / 09/24/2015 at 2:31am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boss quit, leaving me as the only structural engineer at my company. I'm fresh out of college and will have to finish the projects on my own. Hope Google can teach me how to do this. FML

by ImAnEngineer / 09/23/2015 at 1:09pm / United States (New York) / Work

Today, after weeks of my girlfriend constantly mentioning pegging and asking me to let her do it, I caved and figured I might as well stand by my "try anything once" rule. Her response? Saying she knew I was gay all along and dumping me. The fuck? FML

by no I've never asked for anal / 09/20/2015 at 9:44am / United States (New York) / Intimacy

Today, I sneezed while my ID photo was being taken. I look like a total moron in it. The photographer refused to retake the photo because I "clearly" faked the sneeze just to be funny. FML

by allergies / 09/18/2015 at 10:43am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I slipped in my own vomit while dashing to the bathroom to puke. My knee hit and shattered the toilet; the toilet shattered my knee. FML

Today, while blissfully unaware that it was the anniversary of the 9/11 attacks, I was making paper airplanes during my free period in school. Next thing I know, I was reported for, "making jokes about the 9/11 attacks." FML

by Anonymous / 09/11/2015 at 6:51am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got hit by a USPS truck. Luckily, I have car insurance. Just kidding. My insurance got cancelled two days ago for lack of responding to letters they sent. Letters that the USPS didn't deliver. FML

Today, I started my new job. The first thing my coworkers asked me is what football team I like. When I told them I didn't really like sports, they immediately stopped talking to me and haven't since, even when I ask them work-related questions. FML

by NotASportsGuy / 09/06/2015 at 8:46am / United States (New York) / Work

Today, I was having a relaxing "wank", as they might say on Doctor Who, when a large spider descended from its web and came practically eye-to-eye with me. I screamed like a bitch and fell off my bed, pants around my ankles. Then my sister ran in to see what was wrong. FML

by Anonymous / 09/04/2015 at 10:22pm / United States (New York) / Intimacy

Today, after twelve straight hours of work, my fourteen year old son surprised me with a broken window and a cracked TV. He said, "I was swatting away a fly." FML

by tortureromoretorture / 08/26/2015 at 8:28pm / United States (New York) / Kids

Today, I overheard my boyfriend of two years saying he only dates me because "sometimes jerking off just ain't good enough". FML

by Ananimus / 08/26/2015 at 8:31am / United States (New York) / Love

Today, I awoke at two in the morning to my cat putting his most recent kill on my chest. When I jumped up screaming, the dead mouse went flying and now my husband and I can't find it. Better yet now both my husband and my cat are giving me the silent treatment. FML

by catlady / 08/24/2015 at 11:16pm / United States (New York) / Animals