FMLs submitted from New South Wales

Today, I saw a psychiatrist for the first time. He asked me what had brought me there, so I said I needed to get over some issues. He told me to close my eyes and visualize myself constructing a bridge. I paid to get told to build a bridge in my mind's eye. FML

by fml / 05/22/2012 at 7:54pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Health

Today, I was in a café when a construction worker asked to borrow a pen. The only pen I had on me was my brand new Parker, which I reluctantly loaned him. As he was writing, he stopped to think, and happily chewed on the end of the pen, which he later returned to me, glistening in saliva. FML

by BowlofCherries / 05/21/2012 at 10:48pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mum bought a phone. Since teaching her how to text, I have received 27 messages, repeatedly saying the word "penis". FML

by jaderie / 04/21/2012 at 5:26am / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out about my old school's class reunion, which I wasn't invited to. Everyone has my number and e-mail address. They just "forgot" to tell me. FML

by Girl-with-the-glasses / 04/11/2012 at 3:34am / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend told me that he believes getting kicked in the balls is a scientifically-proven method of birth control. FML

by Jordan / 04/08/2012 at 6:37am / Australia (New South Wales) / Intimacy

Today, I caught myself staring at my grandmother's cleavage. FML

by bman / 04/07/2012 at 2:41am / Australia (New South Wales) / Intimacy

Today, I kicked my dog's toy snake out of my way. Then I realised my dog doesn't have a toy snake. FML

by uh-oh / 03/25/2012 at 1:49am / Australia (New South Wales) / Animals

Today, I witnessed my husband swat a coffee bean over and over again, all the while mistaking it for a fly. I then figured he probably has a lower IQ than I do, which wouldn't be so bad if mine wasn't a few points away from minor retardation. FML

by sheilob / 03/24/2012 at 7:06pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous

Today, I overheard a girl and a guy sitting behind me on the bus who were talking about Skyrim, one of my favourite games. After a while, I turned around and, as a fellow gamer, thanked them for restoring my faith in humanity. They went very quiet. I'm now that weird guy on the bus. FML

by Anonymous / 03/22/2012 at 2:40am / Australia (New South Wales) / Transportation

Today, a Russian guy came up to me on the train and informed me that I look exactly like a typical Russian woman. He then went on to explain that I even had enough fat to survive their cold winters. FML

by Anonymous / 03/14/2012 at 2:15am / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous

Today, I vacuumed my car as I'm trying to sell it. After the interior was clean, I sprayed some air freshener. The chosen smell was "new car". I think they mislabeled it, as my car now smells like urinal cakes. I have two potential buyers coming tomorrow. FML

by Urinal Fresh / 03/02/2012 at 5:19am / Australia (New South Wales) / Transportation

Today, I felt sorry for the weird chick at work that everybody avoids and decided to initiate a conversation with her. She interrupted me mid-sentence to tell me about her vaginal odor problems, before shoving her hand into my chip packet and inviting herself to dinner at my house. FML

by meet Chloe / 02/19/2012 at 4:15am / Australia (New South Wales) / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend's father suggested that, ideally, I should aim to have my baby in early July, or wait until he gets back from Europe in October. I'm due September 4th, and he will be "incredibly disappointed" if he misses the birth of his first grandchild due to my "selfishness". FML

by preggo / 02/19/2012 at 3:55am / Australia (New South Wales) / Health