FMLs submitted from New Jersey

Today, I got hit by a car while walking into the hospital to visit my wife, who had also gotten hit by a car. FML

by anon / 06/21/2014 at 8:50am / United States (New Jersey) / Health

Today, I collected a package from a handsome UPS guy. We exchanged smiles, and he even noticeably checked me out. I was feeling really confident for the first time in a while. Then I went inside and saw that I had two huge breastmilk spots on my chest. FML

by BBeffedmylife / 06/14/2014 at 10:18am / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was out shopping with my mom. While we were walking, a guy in a car honked at me. I'm not used to compliments, so I was pretty flattered and flashed him a smile. He looked back at me, confused, then shook his head and pointed at my mom. FML

by Anonymous / 06/13/2014 at 7:36pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, my best friend wanted to see what my new boyfriend looks like. By chance, he'd sent me a Snapchat a few minutes before, so I opened it to show her, only to see that it was a dick pic. FML

by Anonymous / 05/06/2014 at 7:28pm / United States (New Jersey) / Intimacy

Today, I went on a blind date at a restaurant. My date took one look at me and said pityingly, "Stuffed your bra, didn't ya? Seriously, why even bother?" The douche then started trying to lecture me on "false advertising". FML

by Anonymous / 04/27/2014 at 1:05pm / United States (New Jersey) / Love

Today, my dad and I got into an argument. When I was proven wrong, he said, "Good job, genius." I shot back the first thing that popped into my head, which was "I am not a genius!" He laughed and says that if I die before him, he's having that engraved on my tombstone. FML

by Anonymous / 04/25/2014 at 5:42pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, my teenage daughter tried to convince me that the UK is a part of Canada. After I pulled out a map to prove her wrong, she got all angry and defensive, and said that nobody's perfect at "geometry". My daughter is an idiot. FML

by Anonymous / 04/25/2014 at 5:21pm / United States (New Jersey) / Kids

Today, while already late for work, a cop pulled me over. When he got to my window, he said, "Oh sorry, I thought I knew you," and sent me on my way. I was relieved, but still got written up for being late to work. My boss didn't believe the story. FML

by mcmacmick97 / 04/10/2014 at 8:08pm / United States (New Jersey) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, while playing basketball, my friend thanked me for passing the ball to him. I was too embarrassed to tell him that that was me shooting. FML

by DetergentFrog6 / 04/07/2014 at 4:54pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up with a strange and itchy feeling in my anus. When I told my boyfriend about it, he started laughing. I still don't know what he did. FML

by dontgothere / 02/22/2014 at 11:40pm / United States (New Jersey) / Intimacy

Today, I was at the fish store asking if they were hiring. My stepdad decided to humiliate me by screaming at them repeatedly that I'm a good person and that I deserve the job. FML

by author / 02/14/2014 at 9:28pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was going to have sex, so I went to my basement to get my builder bear that I had stuffed my condoms in. The bear was gone. My dad gave it to charity. 5ML

by Anonymous / 01/24/2014 at 12:32am / United States (New Jersey) / Intimacy

Today, I had a big final project due for class. None of my project partners would help me yesterday, because they were convinced we'd have a snow day. Unfortunately, we didn't have a snow day, and we failed. FML

by sidldaking / 01/21/2014 at 6:24pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.