FMLs submitted from New Jersey

Today, my wife was giving me a blowjob when I foolishly asked her how she got so good at giving them. She looked straight into my eyes and replied, "Practising on about six guys before you." FML

by Anonymous / 11/30/2014 at 8:07am / United States (New Jersey) / Intimacy

Today, I bought a Santa hat. After wearing the hat for a few hours, I noticed a strange lump near the tip of it. I stuck my hand inside to dig out the mysterious object. It was a dead cockroach. FML

by Anonymous / 11/29/2014 at 11:44pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, I thought I'd lost the ring that my boyfriend had given me, in the snow, in the dark. I spent a half hour with a flashlight searching every part of my driveway. The ring was on my kitchen windowsill the whole time. I took it off earlier to do dishes. FML

by anonymous / 11/26/2014 at 10:33pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, I accidentally called my boss 'mom'. Now she is jokingly telling everyone that I'm the long-lost daughter she gave up for adoption, because she knew I'd be a failure. FML

by naladetet / 11/23/2014 at 3:31am / United States (New Jersey) / Work

Today, my husband and I told my parents I was pregnant with my first child. The only thing my father did was look at my husband and tell him his pull out game was weak. FML

by wtfdad / 11/16/2014 at 12:29am / United States (New Jersey) / Kids

Today, my father picked me up from the police academy I'm attending, and got caught speeding. The officer was my drill instructor, and I had to do push-ups on the side of the highway. FML

by Xx_DEXIJOKER_xX / 11/11/2014 at 10:16pm / United States (New Jersey) / Work

Today, I realized why I never hear my voice echoing when I sing to my boyfriend on Skype; he just mutes me. FML

by Anonymous / 11/10/2014 at 4:50pm / United States (New Jersey) / Love

Today, my boyfriend came home from college for the first time in weeks just to visit me. I was so excited that I spent two hours getting ready. Turns out he was only coming back to dump me. Now I'm single and out of foundation. FML

by single pringle / 11/04/2014 at 8:16pm / United States (New Jersey) / Love

Today, as I was laying in bed in my dark room, with only my phone's light on, a huge moth flew around it and directly into my open mouth. FML

by j_portal / 10/25/2014 at 11:47pm / United States (New Jersey) / Animals

Today, I offered "Girls Gone Wild" as an example of bad TV in my lecture thinking it was a reality TV show. It's porn. FML

by wthiswrongwithmi / 10/22/2014 at 1:42am / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I found out that I am "un-promotable" to the job that I have been promised for the last two years because, I "don't suffer idiots well." Idiots. FML

by freeachickadee / 10/09/2014 at 11:32pm / United States (New Jersey) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I found out my son was selling pot for pesos. We live in New Jersey and have never planned on going to Mexico. FML

by Potforapeso / 09/30/2014 at 10:30pm / United States (New Jersey) / Kids

Today, I realized how weak I truly am when I tore a muscle in my hand trying to discreetly fix a wedgie. FML

by Anonymous / 09/27/2014 at 7:55pm / United States (New Jersey) / Health