FMLs submitted from New Jersey

Today, I told my dog to give me the stick he had in his mouth so I could throw it for him. After I picked it up I realized it was a dried-out piece of shit. FML

by Anonymous / 01/16/2015 at 7:37pm / United States (New Jersey) / Animals

Today, my girlfriend gave me my first handjob. I was nervous, so when she went to do it, I panicked and yelled, "Firmly grasp it!" She then couldn't stop laughing because it was a line from SpongeBob. FML

Today, I went to the supermarket with my husband and kids. A crazy old man started yelling at us and challenged us to fight him outside. Security had to escort us to our car. Why was he so mad? Our cart momentarily blocked his path to the beef jerky samples. FML

by gotta_respond / 01/10/2015 at 2:22pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, as I left the supermarket, I found someone had hit my car in the parking lot. There was a note tucked under the wipers. Insurance details? Nope. It just said "Sorry dude. I fucked up. Good luck with the car." Great. FML

by Anonymous / 01/03/2015 at 4:16pm / United States (New Jersey) / Money

Today, my sister is having a New Year's Eve party at our house. I'm not invited. FML

by Excalibur6669 / 12/30/2014 at 11:29pm / United States (New Jersey) / Kids

Today, my parents refused to give my daughter her Christmas presents as an act of revenge against her father. FML

by Anonymous / 12/24/2014 at 3:02pm / United States (New Jersey) / Kids

Today, I set a trap to catch a mouse that ran across my foot. Not only did the trap shut on my finger twice, but I watched the mouse run over the trap without it snapping shut. I guess I have a new roommate. FML

by AquaKelly / 12/23/2014 at 8:48pm / United States (New Jersey) / Animals

Today, I got 3 different rejection letters mailed to me from the same college. FML

by ai_lauren / 12/18/2014 at 11:04pm / United States (New Jersey) / Work

Today, I asked my spouse to help me apply some hemorrhoid relief cream, since I couldn't see what was going on down there clearly. Next time, I hope I'll remember if I'm still in a conference call with my online classmates so they don't witness the whole thing again. FML

Today, my wife and I are about to move across the country when the landlord for our new house called and said a water line busted and flooded the house. The movers are coming tomorrow. FML

by BFons / 12/14/2014 at 9:07pm / United States (New Jersey) / Love

Today, my boss threw a pre-Christmas party at work. He always uses them to rant at us and tell us to be better employees. When the speech began, the alarm I have set for my daily birth control went off. It's the sound of an obnoxious screaming child. FML

by driven_crazy / 12/12/2014 at 2:52pm / United States (New Jersey) / Work

Today, as I was leaving home for my mall kiosk job, my dad asked me where I was off to. When I said I was going to work, he tossed an empty beer bottle to the floor, belched, and said "Bah! Get a REAL job!" He's unemployed and living in my apartment. FML

by Anonymous / 12/09/2014 at 4:14pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, while fasting for a medical test, my blood sugar became so low that I had heart palpitations and passed out. My doctor's advice? Fast, so he can run more tests. FML

by fucking moron / 12/09/2014 at 4:39am / United States (New Jersey) / Health