FMLs submitted from New Jersey

Today, at work at daycare, this kid was coughing really bad, so I put my hand in front of his mouth in case he was choking on something so he could spit it out. But nope he wasn't choking, he was sick. He puked right into my hands. FML

by Kylie / 01/26/2010 at 11:13am / United States (New Jersey) / Work

Today, I went to my step-sister's for family dinner. Her husband was really drunk and openly hit on me in front of most of my family. I nonchalantly ignored his advances. Later, my step-mom said it would not have happened if I didn't dress like a skank. FML

by irishbabycakes / 01/25/2010 at 5:27am / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, I weighed myself. When I was fifteen, my mom yelled at me, saying that I was going to end up being 200 pounds by the time I was forty. Well, mom, you're wrong. At this rate I'll be 200 pounds by the time I'm twenty. FML

by notaguidette / 01/23/2010 at 2:47pm / United States (New Jersey) / Health

Today, I was giving my boyfriend head. As I was beginning to enjoy and really get into it, I heard him say, "Oh my god, this is good shit." I looked up sexily, only to find that he was eating a Twinkie. FML

by scubai / 01/14/2010 at 3:36pm / United States (New Jersey) / Intimacy

Today, I got home from a family trip to Disney World. I had taken nearly 300 photos of our trip on my new digital camera. As our car pulled into the driveway, I was using my camera to try to delete one unflattering shot of me. I accidentally deleted every picture off the memory card. FML

by PictureLess / 01/10/2010 at 12:14pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out that shutting off the heat in the rental property my parents owned was a bad idea. The water froze and the pipes burst, causing the whole kitchen ceiling to fall down. The water ruined the wood floors and the appliances. I turned off the heat to save money. FML

by WorkSexMonkey / 01/04/2010 at 2:20pm / United States (New Jersey) / Money

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house. We decided to have sex in her basement. All awesome, until her mom walked down and wanted to watch a movie with us. I had to watch it naked under a blanket. FML

by Anonymous / 01/04/2010 at 10:49am / United States (New Jersey) / Intimacy

Today, my father went out to get batteries for the remote control helicopter I bought him for Christmas. In his excitement, he backed his truck into my car. FML

by Anonymous / 12/25/2009 at 10:13pm / United States (New Jersey) / Transportation

Today, my parents told me they're getting a divorce. However, they asked me not to tell any of the family so that the news doesn't spoil Christmas. Thanks, Mom and Dad. FML

by parentalfail / 12/25/2009 at 1:19pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was telling my entire cocktail party about the time I accidentally flashed my volleyball team at a pool party. While trying to demonstrate how it happened, I accidentally pulled my dress down and flashed everyone again. FML

by Anonymous / 12/23/2009 at 3:48pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got a Christmas present from my boss. It was an ab workout video. FML

by B / 12/18/2009 at 11:19am / United States (New Jersey) / Work

Today, while at work, I was asked if I wanted to leave early. I said no and let my co-worker go instead. Two hours later, I was punched in the face by one of my patients with absolutely no warning or provocation. FML

by psychworker / 12/15/2009 at 1:04pm / United States (New Jersey) / Work

Today, my new girlfriend was telling me how she's attracted to "All-American" looking guys. Tall, manly body, handsome face. Then she says, "But it's ok, you're cute too." FML

by Anonymous / 12/11/2009 at 4:24pm / United States (New Jersey) / Love