FMLs submitted from New Jersey

Today, I discovered that I've spent so much time playing Sudoku in the bathroom at work that I've trained myself to need to pee whenever I open the app. FML

by sudoku_fiend / 12/12/2015 at 11:40pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, my house is so cold that I chipped a tooth from chattering so hard. FML

by elena02 / 11/21/2015 at 2:45pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, I asked my dad for help on some homework I didn't fully understand. He walked away and came back with a huge bowl of grapes and said, "Here's your brain food." Then he left. FML

by grapes / 11/15/2015 at 5:12pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, I walked from my friend's wedding to my divorce. FML

by Anonymous / 10/17/2015 at 7:30pm / United States (New Jersey) / Love

Today, the 3 girls who have continuously bullied me for the past 3 years gave a class presentation on why bullying is so terrible. Judging from our teacher's comments, they're going to get top marks. FML

by Anonymous / 10/07/2015 at 9:47pm / United States (New Jersey) / Kids

Today, we had a school reunion. The guy who bullied me throughout my high school career is now rich and married. I'm broke and single, and he specifically came up to me to point it out. FML

by Anonymous / 10/03/2015 at 4:45pm / United States (New Jersey) / Money

Today, I got an angry call from my 7-year-old son's school. It turned out that while doing a "what I want to be when I'm older" assignment, he wrote that he wants to be an internet troll so he can make people mad and make them kill themselves. FML

by Anonymous / 09/23/2015 at 11:48am / United States (New Jersey) / Kids

Today, someone photoshopped my head onto some nude girl's body and spread it around at school. It was shockingly convincing. Now everyone's calling me a slut, and the worst part is I have no idea which photo the person used or where they got it from, so I can't prove it's a fake. FML

by Anonymous / 09/11/2015 at 1:25pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out I wasn't cool enough to be invited to a college party that happened last night. The one in charge of inviting people was my girlfriend of two years. FML

by Anonymoose / 09/08/2015 at 3:12pm / United States (New Jersey) / Love

Today, marks the third girlfriend in a row that has broken up with me for my terrible dandruff. I can't control it as I was born with psoriasis. All three girls called me pathetic for "making up" a disease to try to get them to stay. FML

by babypenguin00 / 08/29/2015 at 3:20pm / United States (New Jersey) / Love

Today, at the camp that I work at, a little girl asked to "feel" my muscles. Thinking it was cute, I flexed for her. She laughed and said, "No, really." FML

by donuts678 / 08/16/2015 at 7:37pm / United States (New Jersey) / Kids

Today, I went on a blind date. People always joke about how horrible Axe is, but this guy sprayed it on so thick that I genuinely had to fight to not retch the entire time. It was so bad that at one point I thought I was going to pass out. FML

by pvcnutcrackingdomqueen4u / 08/16/2015 at 12:18pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, the jackoffs at my new job kept making jokes about my prosthetic leg. When I finally lost my shit and told one of them to back off, he said "Woah there, Mr Pistorius!" then said he'll avoid using the restroom now in case I decide to shoot him through the door. FML

by Anonymous / 08/07/2015 at 1:31pm / United States (New Jersey) / Work