FMLs submitted from New Hampshire

Today, I called my boss to ask if my paycheck had been deposited yet. He said no, that my grandmother came in to work and picked it up. Confused, I called her. She is holding it ransom until I start calling home every day. I do, but she gets so drunk, she doesn't remember. FML

by kitkat1740 / 11/16/2015 at 7:21pm / United States (New Hampshire) / Miscellaneous

Today, I finally overcame depression-induced writer's block. I was typing at a good speed and before I knew it had over a thousand words that I was reasonably proud of. Then I woke up. FML

by blackonblight / 11/11/2015 at 6:23am / United States (New Hampshire) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I fractured my shinbone after slipping on a leaf. FML

by Anonymous / 11/11/2015 at 6:03am / United States (New Hampshire) / Health

Today, as I rung up a customer's groceries, he gave me a pitying look and said I'd have a "real job" if I'd only studied harder. FML

by prick / 10/30/2015 at 5:53pm / United States (New Hampshire) / Work

Today, I messaged the guy I've been seeing for 4 months, referring to him as my boyfriend. His response? "I didn't realize you had a boyfriend." FML

by althornton2462 / 10/11/2015 at 8:27pm / United States (New Hampshire) / Love

Today, I had yet another debilitating migraine that kept me awake. In the middle of the night, I heard an owl hooting. Thinking it was cool, I moved closer to the open window to hear better. After a few minutes, I realized it was actually my new neighbor having loud sex. My aunt moved in next door. FML

by Hooty / 09/02/2015 at 5:52pm / United States (New Hampshire) / Intimacy

Today, I left my phone outside on the grass while I went inside to get a drink. I didn't expect my dad to run over it with the lawn mower. FML

by RiceCrispyTreats / 09/01/2015 at 12:46pm / United States (New Hampshire) / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up from the most sensual dream I've had in months. Unfortunately, despite it being better than any action I've had in a long time, the dream was about me fucking a donut. FML

by Anonymous / 08/18/2015 at 9:26am / United States (New Hampshire) / Intimacy

Today, I had to bail my ex-husband out of jail. He didn't want his new wife to get mad at him. FML

by blondebarbie271 / 07/26/2015 at 7:55pm / United States (New Hampshire) / Miscellaneous

Today, it's got to the point where my parents have to force me to plan social outings. FML

by TheDarth / 07/16/2015 at 6:47pm / United States (New Hampshire) / Miscellaneous

Today, I accidentally texted the girl I like, "Oh god, I just choked on a boner." I meant bone. FML

by Boneo and Juliet / 07/16/2015 at 3:22pm / United States (New Hampshire) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was driving and someone was following me across the city and wouldn't let up, so I drove past my house, thinking it was a stalker. Eventually I lost them on the highway. It wasn't until I'd gotten back home that I remembered that my 'stalker' was a coworker I'd invited over for lunch. FML

by Distracted / 04/09/2015 at 4:11pm / United States (New Hampshire) / Work

Today, I asked my 5-year-old son how school went today. He sighed and said "Fuck off, dad." I thought kids only became such colossal douchebags in their teens. FML

by no, YOU raised him / 04/03/2015 at 5:15pm / United States (New Hampshire) / Kids