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FMLs submitted from Nevada

Today, I was glued to the toilet all day, gushing fountains of crap, due to my own bad cooking. It got so bad that I ran out of toilet paper and had to desperately jump in the shower and stay there for nearly two hours. I can't even feel my own asshole any more. FML

#21130490
110 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42604) - you deserved it (10890)

On 05/04/2014 at 1:17pm - health - by Numbass123 (man) - United States (Nevada)

Today, I pulled up next to a lady who was trying to text, smoke, and drive. My brother said that she was probably going to cause an accident. He was right. At the next light she hit us. She then yelled that I purposely caused the accident because, "that's how teenagers are". FML

#21129304
96 comments

I agree, your life sucks (48735) - you deserved it (3173)

On 05/03/2014 at 1:00am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Nevada)

Today, I went out drinking with my tattoo artist brother-in-law. I was so wasted that I agreed to let him try working on me. I woke up with a tattoo of an animated marijuana plant smoking a cigarette. This'll look just great when I'm defending clients in court. FML

#21107817
142 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25307) - you deserved it (43850)

On 04/08/2014 at 6:04pm - misc - by not a dumbass pothead (man) - United States (Nevada)

Today, on Facebook, someone wrote a status implying that she was going to kill herself. I called a mutual friend, asking to check up on her. The next status the girl puts up said, "Someone thought I was going to commit suicide! Haha what a loser!" FML

#21071970
177 comments

I agree, your life sucks (50260) - you deserved it (4630)

On 02/26/2014 at 4:31am - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Nevada)

Today, I was walking a dog at the animal hospital where I work when it pooped out a rag-like object. I told the doctor, who told me to clean it off to see what it was. It was a rainbow-colored thong. We have to give it back to the owner when they pick their dog up. FML

#21069925
72 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36860) - you deserved it (2917)

On 02/23/2014 at 11:01pm - animals - by crap - United States (Nevada)

Today, in the very middle of the night, my kitten started rubbing against my face. Thinking I saw her face in the darkness, I decided to kiss her before going back to bed. My lips made contact with her butthole. FML

#21058991
131 comments

I agree, your life sucks (48810) - you deserved it (17771)

On 02/13/2014 at 10:20am - animals - by Anonymous - United States (Nevada)

Today, it's been a little over a month since my dad started taking yoga lessons. We always joked around behind his back that he was just doing it so he could get flexible enough to suck himself off. Well, that joke was confirmed as reality when I walked in on him trying just that. FML

#21001267
118 comments

I agree, your life sucks (51951) - you deserved it (7171)

On 12/22/2013 at 12:22pm - intimacy - by bleach bleach bleach (woman) - United States (Nevada)

Today, my little sister is having a friend spend the night. Our rooms are right next to one another and the walls are thin. We are now entering the fourth hour of a singing contest so off-key that it should be illegal. FML

#20933172
68 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40934) - you deserved it (3203)

On 10/25/2013 at 2:48am - misc - by ThisIsAgony - United States (Nevada)

Today, I found out that my obese son, who is on a health-mandated diet and exercise plan, gorges on junk food whenever he has the chance. His logic? "It won't make you fatter if you crap it out." FML

#20863945
99 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40618) - you deserved it (6149)

On 09/02/2013 at 12:16am - health - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Nevada)

Today, my little brother grabbed my boobs and wouldn't let go until I pried his hands off. When I told my mom, her response was, "Get over it. He's a little kid who doesn't know any better." He's 14 years old. FML

#20848790
147 comments

I agree, your life sucks (53313) - you deserved it (3319)

On 08/22/2013 at 12:48am - kids - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Nevada)

Today, after swimming in the pool, I went into the shower. Little did I know that my niece was hiding in there. She excitedly yelled "I saw your boobs!" Now my nephew won't stop crying because he didn't get to see them as well. FML

#20831181
92 comments

I agree, your life sucks (51461) - you deserved it (4083)

On 08/10/2013 at 8:04pm - kids - by Anonymous - United States (Nevada)

Today, I was leaving my friends' apartment in my mom's car and I backed into a fire hydrant. I lied and told my mom it was a hit and run. So she called the apartment complex. They had me on video hitting the fire hydrant. FML

#20824837
72 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20109) - you deserved it (53948)

On 08/07/2013 at 12:21am - misc - by why me?? - United States (Nevada)

Today, I crawled into bed with my boyfriend. He was snoring loudly which is how I knew he was passed out cold. Once I was under the blanket next to him, he slowly turned over, stared me straight in the face and said, "I have to kill you". Then started snoring again. FML



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