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FMLs submitted from Missouri

Today, trying to be a responsible parent, I bought my daughter a pack of condoms in case she ever decided to have sex. She turned them into balloon animals and went back to playing video games. FML

#21059009
292 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31669) - you deserved it (47844)

On 02/13/2014 at 10:47am - kids - by Anonymous - United States (Missouri)

Today, my fiancé texted me, saying he'd been masturbating to pictures of me. I told him that I couldn't wait to get home and take care of him. He replied, "Nah, don't bother, I got this." Now I'm horny and sad. FML

#21022453
107 comments

I agree, your life sucks (57784) - you deserved it (6977)

On 01/09/2014 at 12:59pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Missouri)

Today, I was at a basketball game. Sitting in the bleachers, I looked over at my friend and said, "Number 33 has a really cute butt." The man in front of us turned around, looked me dead in the eye, and said, "Thanks." Number 33's dad was a very proud father. FML

#21017330
83 comments

I agree, your life sucks (46834) - you deserved it (12692)

On 01/05/2014 at 12:30am - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Missouri)

Today, a kid from my school called me, saying he's going on vacation to Japan soon and that since I was born there, I could teach him the language. His exact words at the start of the call were: "Hey man, you speak Asian, right?" I have to be around this shithead 5 days a week. FML

#20992530
118 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43312) - you deserved it (3561)

On 12/14/2013 at 5:39pm - misc - by bnc (man) - United States (Missouri)

Today, marks my third day of school being closed due to snow. One, and only one, of the teachers has decided that we have to do work online in the meantime. I just so happen to be in three of his classes. FML

#20987643
108 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41638) - you deserved it (4426)

On 12/10/2013 at 12:26pm - work - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Missouri)

Today, I came home to a noise complaint letter taped to my apartment door. I haven't been home in over a month. FML

#20981967
53 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36726) - you deserved it (2069)

On 12/05/2013 at 6:39pm - misc - by Lulu - United States (Missouri)

Today, to make it seem like the customers actually liked me, I told my coworkers I got tipped $12. Sadly, that "$12 tip" came from my own pocket. FML

#20973265
51 comments

I agree, your life sucks (32928) - you deserved it (11771)

On 11/28/2013 at 1:39am - work - by MicachuPikachu (woman) - United States (Missouri)

Today, I was quizzing a girl at my college, and I noticed that when she answered a question, her ears wiggled. It was cute, so I pointed it out. She burst into tears, and the guy next to me said, "Way to make her feel insecure, douchebag." FML

Today, I've invited friends and family to my birthday party. I've also come home to find that my parents didn't pay the water bill. I either have to tell everyone I know that they are uninvited or not to take dumps in my house. FML

#20949952
81 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38392) - you deserved it (3400)

On 11/08/2013 at 2:49am - misc - by sammyducks227 - United States (Missouri)

Today, my wife ate nothing all day due to her morning sickness, but I tried to get her to eat something light, for our baby's sake. I brought her a banana. She yelled at me for being a "pervert" and accused me of just wanting to watch her stick a phallic object in her mouth. FML

#20935582
165 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44402) - you deserved it (4983)

On 10/27/2013 at 12:08pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Missouri)

Today, I realized that when my dad said he would pay for my college, he really meant that he was going to forge my signature on a student loan in my name and not make payments on it. FML

#20927730
123 comments

I agree, your life sucks (47193) - you deserved it (3309)

On 10/20/2013 at 4:34pm - money - by oh... (man) - United States (Missouri)

Today, I got so self-conscious about weight gain that I got paranoid about how much my Castle Crashers character was eating to heal. FML

#20913357
103 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30039) - you deserved it (8795)

On 10/09/2013 at 12:22am - health - by SunshineX7 (woman) - United States (Missouri)

Today, at 6 in the morning, I sneezed so hard I fell off my bed. I guess I'm up for the day. FML

#20898877
69 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38247) - you deserved it (4573)

On 09/28/2013 at 6:53am - misc - by blackcat37 - United States (Missouri)



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