FMLs submitted from Missouri

Today, my girlfriend gave me my first ever blowjob and she surprised me by deciding to swallow. Or so I thought. When she came up to kiss me, she spat my man-milk into my mouth and almost pissed herself laughing when I freaked out and nearly threw up. FML

by shmarf / 06/19/2015 at 12:17pm / United States (Missouri) / Intimacy

Today, I moved in with my boyfriend because my parents kicked me out. He said that if I ever touch his "fucking apple jacks" he will "chop" my nipples off and feed them to the dog. FML

by CassidyQueen / 06/05/2015 at 10:14pm / United States (Missouri) / Love

Today, my dog was knocked unconscious. I had to race him to the vet and pay a small fortune for x-rays and shots. All because he ran into the kitchen at full speed and smashed headfirst into the refrigerator after hearing me open a bag of turkey. FML

by roadie42 / 05/24/2015 at 11:15pm / United States (Missouri) / Animals

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I felt sick to my stomach, so I told my mother I didn't want to eat dinner. She started accusing me of being anorexic, so I ate a little bit anyway to make her stop. I then threw up, only for her to take it as confirmation that I have an eating disorder. FML

by I'm just sick, really / 05/01/2015 at 8:33pm / United States (Missouri) / Health

Today, a parent of one of the students I teach called me to complain that I was teaching her child "lies" and "fairytales". I was teaching them about the Holocaust. FML

by PrettySureItsReal / 04/09/2015 at 3:38pm / United States (Missouri) / Work

Today, I was told it was inconvenient for me to take lunch breaks, because someone else has to answer the phones and no one else wants to actually do any work. FML

by tee / 04/06/2015 at 4:02pm / United States (Missouri) / Work

Today, I picked up a rock outside and put it in my pocket because it looked cool. A teacher holding the door open stopped me and sent me to the principal. I was confused and asked the teacher why the strict action. She replied that someone has been putting rocks in the toilet. I got a detention. FML

by overreacting / 04/03/2015 at 2:08am / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous

Today, after recently quitting a terrible job which made me miserable, I went to my first work meeting at my new job. I was excited to start fresh and meet my new coworkers. Instead, I met my boyfriend's extremely jealous ex-girlfriend. She didn't look excited to see me. FML

by kitkat3308 / 03/30/2015 at 1:06am / United States (Missouri) / Work

Today, I decided to confront my fear of birds when my friend's pet bird was walking up to me. He got on my arm, climbed up and attacked my face. FML

by birdsterrifyme / 03/23/2015 at 12:42am / United States (Missouri) / Animals

Today, I was pulled over by a police officer because he thought I was skipping school. I'm 24 and we graduated high school together. FML

by Anonymous / 03/19/2015 at 1:01am / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous

Today, some guy on the street threatened to stab me. I called his bluff, and walked away. He wasn't bluffing. FML

by Josh / 03/05/2015 at 7:25pm / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. I'm extremely uncomfortable with eye contact, but he kept staring into my eyes the entire time. I had to sing the F.U.N. song from Spongebob in my head to stop myself having an anxiety attack. FML

by jessybear777 / 02/14/2015 at 10:41pm / United States (Missouri) / Intimacy

Today, I'm working for a company that makes over a million dollars a year, yet leaves me with no choice but to pee in a cup because they won't pay to fix the only toilet in the building. FML

by Anonynonynon / 02/13/2015 at 2:05pm / United States (Missouri) / Work