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FMLs submitted from Missouri

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have our first "Cybering" experience. I downloaded Skype per his instructions, and hooked up my cam. Just as everything started getting hot and heavy, I farted. He stopped and frowned. I had no idea it was a video AND voice program. FML

#271992
99 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18962) - you deserved it (85295)

On 03/11/2009 at 2:35pm - intimacy - by awkwardgayboi (man) - United States (Missouri)

Today, my mom walked in on me masturbating. I minimized the porn on my laptop so she wouldn't see I was watching it. It turns out I was watching an old Beatles concert before I started masturbating. My mom thought I was masturbating to the Beatles. FML

#267368
125 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24556) - you deserved it (76133)

On 03/11/2009 at 12:42am - intimacy - by theassman (man) - United States (Missouri)

Today, my mother told me she didn't want my girlfriend spending the night anymore. I asked why, she said she heard us doing the nasty the night before and I denied it, hoping I could call her bluff. She paused for a moment and moaned EXACTLY like my girlfriend does. FML

#225953
144 comments

I agree, your life sucks (19765) - you deserved it (61326)

On 03/06/2009 at 12:51pm - intimacy - by ToobyFrank - United States (Missouri)

Today, I realized that my roommate has been using my loofah to clean our toilet. I've been cleaning myself with the shit of four college boys for the last six months. FML

#209503
80 comments

I agree, your life sucks (72053) - you deserved it (4578)

On 03/04/2009 at 6:38pm - misc - by arrrrggggghhhh (man) - United States (Missouri)

Today, I was in spanish class, having a debate about the death penalty. When I went to make a point, I meant to say "La pena de muerte", which means "The death penalty". I said, "La pene de muerte". Turns out that means, "The penis of death". FML

#206263
142 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26767) - you deserved it (41691)

On 03/04/2009 at 12:42pm - misc - by Señor Guapo (man) - United States (Missouri)

Today, I drove my two kids to their friends' houses. In my convertible, looking what I though was my best, I slowed down outside a bar with cute 20 year old girls in front. My daughter noticed the speed reduction and said, "Keep driving dad, you're fat and mom left you for a reason." FML

#196936
147 comments

I agree, your life sucks (51235) - you deserved it (40265)

On 03/03/2009 at 4:27pm - kids - by Fat Dad (man) - United States (Missouri)

Today, my boyfriend asked me what I enjoyed most about the weekend we'd spent together. I mention in detail a certain move he had pulled when we made love. When asked what he enjoyed most, he replies "putting my fish tank together". FML

#192617
46 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43181) - you deserved it (5398)

On 03/03/2009 at 12:55am - misc - by lucy (woman) - United States (Missouri)

Today, I hit a car while trying to answer a phone call from my mom. I quickly answered the phone and shouted "What!?". To which she replied, "I just had a bad feeling in my gut about you so I wanted to make sure you were ok." FML

#152273
57 comments

I agree, your life sucks (46317) - you deserved it (14145)

On 02/27/2009 at 12:43pm - misc - by wwasmer (man) - United States (Missouri)

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to try anal sex. When he was done, I turned around to see him holding a strap-on with a smile on his face and said 'Now, do me'. FML

#142795
241 comments

I agree, your life sucks (264655) - you deserved it (62334)

On 02/26/2009 at 12:57pm - intimacy - by Picaresque (woman) - United States (Missouri)

Today, I had a great workout and was feeling really good about my body. Until I sat on my desk, and broke it. FML

#75881
22 comments

I agree, your life sucks (35857) - you deserved it (6921)

On 02/19/2009 at 2:36am - health - by fatass (woman) - United States (Missouri)

Today, me and my boyfriend were hooking up while watching a movie. Just as I was getting really into it, he told me to move my head. He couldn't see the television. FML

#71498
19 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33450) - you deserved it (5309)

On 02/18/2009 at 7:55pm - intimacy - by happyasaclam (woman) - United States (Missouri)

Today, I went to a plastic surgeon's office with a friend. The doctor walked in and before he could look at the consult papers, he started explaining the lipo suction procedure to me. I had to interrupt him and tell him that I was only there for support for my friend's nose job. FML

#61582
18 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42673) - you deserved it (5146)

On 02/17/2009 at 4:53pm - health - by tigerfiend (woman) - United States (Missouri)

Today, I was giving my boyfriend a blow job, he was twitching and moving around and saying "oh yeah" then he said "take that bitch". I looked up to see he was only excited about how he is domination in Call of Duty 4. FML

#48381
113 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44632) - you deserved it (9724)

On 02/15/2009 at 7:33pm - intimacy - by Noname - United States (Missouri)



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