FMLs submitted from Minnesota

Today, I had to leave work early as I almost passed out. My girlfriend's first question after I told her what happened was, "Did you hear Leonardo DiCaprio won an Oscar?" FML

by Sir Anon / 02/29/2016 at 3:18pm / United States (Minnesota) / Health

Today, I received yet another letter from a relative bitching me out for not involving my parents in my wedding. The parents who showed no interest in our relationship and then yelled at my fiancé and me when we announced it to them, calling us stupid, naive, heathens, and mentally ill. FML

by TheyObjectToTheUnholyUnion / 01/29/2016 at 7:51am / United States (Minnesota) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend told me she loved me for the first time. Unfortunately, it was her way of saying that she didn't want to lose me after cheating on me yesterday. FML

by Anonymous / 01/27/2016 at 12:11pm / United States (Minnesota) / Love

Today, my shitburglar of an ex asked me to take him back. He said dumping me was a huge mistake. He dumped me because I was bed-ridden for several weeks and was in no condition to have sex. If his social media is anything to go by, he only wants me back because he couldn't get laid elsewhere. FML

by Anonymous / 01/22/2016 at 2:31pm / United States (Minnesota) / Love

Today, I got pulled off a hugely important project, all because I accidentally spelled "country" as "cuntry" in an email to our client. FML

by Anonymous / 01/15/2016 at 12:47pm / United States (Minnesota) / Work

Today, after dating my girlfriend for a while, I had a realization. She often says things like, "You're my favorite!" and scratches my beard, which I appreciated affectionately. Upon meeting her pets, it dawned on me that I am just another one of her cats. FML

by Jack / 01/09/2016 at 9:07pm / United States (Minnesota) / Love

Today, I recently gave birth to my daughter, and my husband and I both have dark hair and bushy eyebrows. We never thought it was a problem until our daughter was born with a dark, bushy unibrow. Now I'm too nervous to take pictures of her 'cause our family and friends laugh every time they see her. FML

by bushy brows / 01/04/2016 at 6:13pm / United States (Minnesota) / Kids

Today, at the swimming pool, I thought it'd be funny to sneak up on my 5-year-old daughter underwater and surprise her. I grabbed her by the sides, and she shrieked. A moment later, a brown cloud erupted from her swimsuit. Cue screaming and a mass panic from the other kids. FML

by Anonymous / 10/03/2015 at 3:00am / United States (Minnesota) / Kids

Today, I was on the train next to an elderly woman. When I told her it was my stop, she turned her knees towards the aisle, and I, thinking that she was letting me go by, began to edge past. She screamed, "DON'T PUSH ME!" and the whole train turned to look. I was thus the asshole pushing the old lady. FML

by briscoe / 09/28/2015 at 10:48pm / United States (Minnesota) / Transportation

Today, when I woke up, one half of my face was smooth and clear and the other half looked as if I got slapped by the Hand of Puberty itself. FML

by Anonymous / 09/21/2015 at 1:47pm / United States (Minnesota) / Miscellaneous

Today, I overheard my husband telling his friend that he wished a zombie apocalypse would happen in real life, so he could take me out back and shoot me without having to worry about going to prison. FML

by Anonymous / 08/21/2015 at 3:02pm / United States (Minnesota) / Miscellaneous

Today, a guy asked me out on Facebook, then called me a conceited bitch when I said no. I don't know, dude; maybe it's just that I already have a boyfriend, that you asked me out on Facebook, and that you posted the same message on 4 other girls' walls as well. FML

by sonice / 08/17/2015 at 11:39pm / United States (Minnesota) / Miscellaneous

Today, my local USPS delivery man refused to deliver any more packages to my house, because in the past, my dogs have barked at him and he feels threatened. He also filed a complaint about our house because apparently my driveway has branches that, to him, are considered "hazardous." FML

by 18emikot / 08/03/2015 at 11:26pm / United States (Minnesota) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.