FMLs submitted from Michigan

Today, I found out that when you flush an animal clear of blood for research, there is a nerve inside the heart, which when you strike it right, electrical signals cause the animal to writhe as if alive. Now, my boss knows about my fear of zombies, and I'm now terrified of half my job. FML

by kittkatt1 / 11/10/2013 at 8:52pm / United States (Michigan) / Work

Today, I had planned to break up with my overbearing girlfriend. She went into complete denial mode, bought me a pair of oversized sunglasses and tomorrow we're going ice-skating. Kill me now. FML

by Trapped. / 11/05/2013 at 9:53pm / United States (Michigan) / Love

Today, I woke up and went to the bathroom, only to find my dad sitting on the toilet, blind drunk. He screamed "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" at me. I just wanted to shave. FML

by :/ / 11/05/2013 at 4:01pm / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, there was a power outage at my apartment. I ended up deciding that the power wasn't going to come on any time soon, and that I should go to a hotel for the night. Just after I unpacked at the hotel, my neighbor called to say the power had come back. FML

by FUCKING POWER / 11/02/2013 at 5:41pm / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was leaving the grocery store when an old woman started yelling at me for not holding the door open for her. She accused me of being "everything wrong with the younger generation". It was an automatic door. FML

by Greg / 10/28/2013 at 5:53pm / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend told me how jealous he gets when I "hang out" with Dylan. Dylan is the 5-year-old boy whom I babysit every day. My boyfriend wants me to stop, because apparently Dylan cockblocks him. FML

by Anonymous / 10/25/2013 at 8:49pm / United States (Michigan) / Love

Today, in calculus, our substitute teacher told me I was smart. Everybody in the class, including my friends, burst out laughing. FML

by Anonymous / 10/17/2013 at 9:43am / United States (Michigan) / Work

Today, I found out my handwriting is so bad that people think I write in Arabic. FML

by Anonymous / 10/16/2013 at 1:37pm / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, being so desperate for money, I accepted a job in which I get shot at with paintballs for 6 hours. FML

by BOHICA123 / 10/07/2013 at 10:08pm / United States (Michigan) / Work

Today, my psycho ex-girlfriend, who's already made two threats against my life, informed me that she now has a concealed carry permit. FML

by Anonymous / 10/04/2013 at 5:41pm / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was so sexually frustrated that I tried getting off with a banana. It was not enjoyable, for me or the banana. FML

by Kyra.45 / 10/03/2013 at 6:46pm / United States (Michigan) / Intimacy

Today, the person I've been trying so hard to get with wrote me a beautiful poem that almost everyone at my school saw and liked. It was about how we'd never be together. FML

by Anonymous / 10/02/2013 at 8:17am / United States (Michigan) / Love

Today, I was working the night shift when a guy came in smelling like alcohol. He kept muttering his order, so I leaned over the register to hear him better. My ear now smells of vomit. FML

by ihatethisjob / 09/27/2013 at 4:18am / United States (Michigan) / Work