FMLs submitted from Michigan

Today, my energetic 10-month-old decided to stay up four hours past bedtime. After I FINALLY got him to sleep, I tried to go to bed. My husband is now snoring, farting and taking up my side of the bed. I desperately need some sleep. FML

by purpletrout / 11/30/2016 at 1:39am / United States (Michigan) / Kids

Today, I asked a girl that I've been talking to for a couple of weeks out, but immediately got rejected because I'm left handed. I guess I'll leave that part out next time. FML

by ImaSneakyNinja / 11/16/2016 at 9:55pm / United States (Michigan) / Love

Today, it's been three days since I told this guy I liked him and he told me he liked me. It's also been three days since he contacted me. So, I called his phone and I was told by someone that they were attributed that number three days ago. I think it's safe to say the feelings weren't mutual. FML

by myfuturelover / 11/03/2016 at 11:43pm / United States (Michigan) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, while laying in bed with my girlfriend, I felt her grab my manhood through a layer of blankets. I got a bit stiff, just in time for her to clench tight, and pull violently. She didn't know "it" was in her hand, as she was trying to cover herself with the blanket. My manhood is now red and swollen. FML

by 2in longer / 11/01/2016 at 8:57am / United States (Michigan) / Intimacy

Today, I was met with an unfortunate clerical error, receiving a letter from WIC with a cheery handwritten note instructing me to call when the baby arrives. I guess they forgot I was there four months ago to discuss the changes in benefits after a miscarriage. FML

by thereisnobaby / 10/06/2016 at 7:55am / United States (Michigan) / Health

Today, there must have been a wasp clinging to my front door because when I walked outside, it dropped between my glasses and my face and began stinging me all around my eye. I don't know if my eye is more swollen from the stings or from me repeatedly punching myself in the face. FML

by Screamslikeagirl / 09/27/2016 at 3:17pm / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mom's boss reversed into my parked car. She expects me to say that it's my fault so she doesn't have her insurance increase. FML

by comeonnow / 09/25/2016 at 2:53pm / United States (Michigan) / Transportation

Today, I found out my co-worker had made plans for a night out, just as I'd cancelled all of mine to work with him on a project for the next 4 hours. FML

by Dan V / 09/05/2016 at 2:35am / United States (Michigan) / Work

Today, I'm officially a week overdue. I went to the hospital, thinking I was in labor since I was in so much pain. Turns out it was just gas. The nurse couldn't hold back her look of pity as she told me this. FML

by herestowaiting / 08/30/2016 at 4:56pm / United States (Michigan) / Health

Today, while at a baseball game, I was telling my friends about my underaged drinking experience at my sister's bachelorette party. It wasn't until I was done telling the story that I realized the Dean of my college was right behind us, looking right at me. So much for a good first impression. FML

by fuckingcool / 08/18/2016 at 5:19pm / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was at a bar with my girlfriend, and I noticed an obnoxious guy from college I used to hang out with. I tried to avoid eye contact, but all of a sudden he shouted, "There's the guy who puked his margarita back into the glass!" Everyone stared. Yup, that was me, just last week. FML

by Noah / 08/16/2016 at 2:43pm / United States (Michigan) / Love

Today, I attempted to bleach the little hairs above my lip. I had it on for about 15 seconds. Turns out that the horrible stinging that I had felt meant that it was not just working, but also eating through my skin at the same time. FML

by AlmightyVoice / 08/07/2016 at 7:38am / United States (Michigan) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I had to give an important presentation, so I checked it over one last time before taking a shower and heading out. I found out too late that my brother used that window of opportunity to replace the entire document with the N-word repeating over and over again. FML

by suspended / 07/31/2016 at 11:39am / United States (Michigan) / Work