FMLs submitted from Maryland

Today, I tried to send my friend a link to a really weird porno. Unfortunately, Google Hangouts popped up with a message from my mom. I didn't realize the keyboard focus had switched until I hit Ctrl+V and Enter real quick. Now I'm grounded. FML

by motherfucked / 01/15/2016 at 12:07pm / United States (Maryland) / Miscellaneous

Today, I met my new upstairs neighbors. They have a four month old child and appear to be firm believers in the "let them cry it out" philosophy. The baby's room is right above mine. A few days of trying to sleep through this shit and I'll look like a Walking Dead extra. FML

by Anonymous / 01/10/2016 at 8:17am / United States (Maryland) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was riding my motorcycle when a guy cut me off at a light. I honked and swore at him when a bug flew into my mouth. FML

by Knaxer / 12/12/2015 at 12:22pm / United States (Maryland) / Transportation

Today, my friend took me tandem skydiving. When it was time to jump, he began crying, said he'd cut our parachute cords, then said "Goodbye, cruel world!" and pushed me off the plane with him strapped to my back. I pissed myself and cried like a bitch. He thinks his "prank" was hilarious. FML

by Anonymous / 12/04/2015 at 3:36pm / United States (Maryland) / Miscellaneous

Today, my anxiety cockblocked me. I was in the middle of a wank, about to come, when I suddenly freaked out and had to stop and check to make sure I didn't have any homework due tomorrow. FML

by helpme / 11/24/2015 at 1:34am / United States (Maryland) / Intimacy

Today, I started dreaming about being at work. I already work more hours a week than I requested, and I live right across from my work and can see it out my window. I can never leave. FML

by helpme / 11/23/2015 at 12:00pm / United States (Maryland) / Work

Today, I sliced my finger on a frozen chicken cutlet. FML

by Anonymous / 11/21/2015 at 4:12pm / United States (Maryland) / Miscellaneous

Today, I attended my school's special invitation-only awards ceremony, relieved that I was getting a much-needed scholarship. I watched all my friends go up and win scholarships. In the end, I only got a certificate for doing well on the PSAT. My whole family showed up for this. FML

by crushedsoul / 11/05/2015 at 4:34pm / United States (Maryland) / Money

Today, I was fired from my job because I would "scare" the customers. Two days ago a coworker spilled fry oil onto the grill causing flames to singe my eyebrows and the front of my hair off. FML

by RandomLG94 / 10/31/2015 at 4:35pm / United States (Maryland) / Work

Today, after submitting my college application, I noticed that I mistyped "math enthusiast" as "meth enthusiast". FML

by RIPcareer / 10/18/2015 at 3:18pm / United States (Maryland) / Work

Today, my grandpa passed away. The only emotion my dad showed was anger, because my grandpa owed my dad money. Now he wants to take it from my grandma, like he's some sort of mobster. FML

by failing / 10/16/2015 at 12:40pm / United States (Maryland) / Miscellaneous

Today, my dick of a neighbor tried to file a noise complaint against me, all because I have the flu and am sneezing a lot. FML

by ACCCHHHOOOO!!!!!!!!! -_- / 09/04/2015 at 11:48am / United States (Maryland) / Health

Today, my mother woke me up by putting a beer on my face. After 15 minutes of her telling me to "just take a sip" and me rejecting it, I finally did just to shut her up. She then yelled at me for giving in to "peer pressure". FML

by Good Parenting? / 06/26/2015 at 12:38pm / United States (Maryland) / Miscellaneous