FMLs submitted from Kentucky

Today, I learned that my "cash back rewards" for credit card purchases are mailed with the monthly statement. The same monthly statement that goes straight into the shredder or fireplace because I prefer to do my banking online. FML

by twiggy24 / 02/04/2012 at 9:51pm / United States (Kentucky) / Money

Today, I realized the closest thing I've had to an intimate relationship with a female is the one I have with my cat. Even then, she ignores me. FML

by Anonymous / 01/29/2012 at 2:55pm / United States (Kentucky) / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend started freaking out about how his penis floats in water. Baths with him will never be the same again. FML

by bathtime / 12/20/2011 at 11:32pm / United States (Kentucky) / Intimacy

Today, I took my last final on a Scantron sheet with 200 multiple choice questions, with seconds to spare. When I finished the last question, I saw I had another bubble to fill in and I didn't know where I screwed up. FML

by testesential / 12/13/2011 at 12:24pm / United States (Kentucky) / Miscellaneous

Today, I decided to light a candle in my room. Since fire intrigues me, I put an old brochure into it. Paper burns fast, and now my carpet has a big, black burn mark. FML

by Anonymous / 11/29/2011 at 10:13pm / United States (Kentucky) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was walking through my house when I noticed bits of plaster falling from the ceiling. Against all logic, I looked up, receiving a fragment directly in the eyeball. FML

by swirkishly / 11/24/2011 at 11:06am / United States (Kentucky) / Miscellaneous

Today, my friend took me and a bunch of other guys out to a nice dinner. This was his way to say thank you for helping him move to a new apartment. He got the cheque, excused himself to go to the restroom and never came back to pay. FML

by moodyreallyrocks / 11/01/2011 at 12:18pm / United States (Kentucky) / Money

Today, I punched myself in the face while trying to eat a GoGurt. FML

by yum yogurt / 10/30/2011 at 4:15pm / United States (Kentucky) / Miscellaneous

Today, my roomate informed me that her snake was missing in our apartment again. Apparently, I need to be careful because the snake's attracted to blood. I'm on my period. FML

by Anonymous / 10/27/2011 at 11:48pm / United States (Kentucky) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to the hospital with severe chest pain, thinking it was a heart attack. Turns out now I just can't have booze, pop, chocolate, fruit with skins, seeds, tomatoes, or mint. I'd rather have the heart attack. FML

by heartsick / 10/23/2011 at 9:37pm / United States (Kentucky) / Health

Today, I was at a shooting range with my father. The target was a creepy poster of a man. My father said, "This one is for your boyfriend." Perfect groin shot. FML

by Mrs. Terrified / 10/23/2011 at 7:08pm / United States (Kentucky) / Love

Today, while at work being a waitress, this lady came in and requested to sit in the section I was waitressing. She held up a $100 bill and told me that if I was attentive to her needs, she would leave me a $100 tip. Excited, I waited on her hand and foot. She dined and dashed. FML

by moodyreallyrocks / 10/03/2011 at 9:05am / United States (Kentucky) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my girlfriend changed her relationship status on Facebook to 'It's Complicated' because I didn't give her my last cookie. This happens all the time. FML

by danthecomplicate / 09/28/2011 at 10:28pm / United States (Kentucky) / Love