FMLs submitted from Illinois

Today, I'm babysitting for kids whose parents said they would be back by 12. Its 4am and they still aren't home. I don't get paid enough for this. FML

by Anonymous / 07/03/2015 at 5:09am / United States (Illinois) / Work

Today, I heard my skinny 14-year-old daughter tell her friend, "Ugh, I wish I had leukemia or something so that I could lose weight." Yes, she actually said that. FML

by PupZilla / 07/02/2015 at 10:08am / United States (Illinois) / Kids

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I politely asked a coworker to stop sticking his chewed-up gum to my desk. It's now 10:57 pm and my tires are slashed. FML

by Ain't going nowhere / 06/24/2015 at 2:49pm / United States (Illinois) / Work

Today, I am going to take a law school test. My Mom told me to relax, so I told her, "I'm better at stressing out, so I have something to fall back on if I bomb the test." To which she replied, "And masturbating, you've always excelled at that." FML

by LZapped / 06/08/2015 at 9:35am / United States (Illinois) / Intimacy

Today, a customer called the Chinese restaurant where I work and complained about her takeout order not including donuts. After informing her that we don't have them, she started to curse at me while citing the website as proof. She thought wontons were synonymous with donuts. FML

by taylorbrown97 / 06/07/2015 at 3:05pm / United States (Illinois) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I took part in a bouquet toss. The "single ladies" consisted of myself and several girls under the age of ten. I'm 31. FML

by skid / 06/02/2015 at 10:59am / United States (Illinois) / Love

Today, I'm so deprived of intimacy that I got a raging boner when a waitress called me "hun". FML

by bonehead69 / 05/31/2015 at 3:06am / United States (Illinois) / Intimacy

Today, I kept getting out of bed because I was sure my daughter had pooped in her diaper. Every time, I found nothing. I finally figured out the foul smell was my husband's breath, when he leaned into kiss me goodnight. FML

by Anonymous / 05/24/2015 at 10:14am / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up to my roommates "pet" snake casually lying in bed with me. I then got yelled at for screaming and scaring the snake. Apparently, it's my fault that it bit my chin. FML

by earthlyscum / 05/18/2015 at 10:27pm / United States (Illinois) / Animals

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, at work, I was about to close a big sale, when a coworker rushed over and said there was a call for me in the office. He heavily implied my mom had died, and I rushed out. After I figured out there was no call and that my mom was fine, he'd already stolen my sale and the commission. FML

by Anonymous / 05/15/2015 at 4:58pm / United States (Illinois) / Work

Today, I went to the airport a full three hours before my flight departure time just to be on the safe side. I ended up having the best nap of my life and missing my flight. FML

by Rar / 05/09/2015 at 1:13pm / United States (Illinois) / Transportation

Today, my mom got mad at me because I wouldn't write to Ellen Degeneres about her. She now won't talk to me. FML

by anonymous / 05/06/2015 at 9:36am / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I kept hearing a child creepily giggling in my living room. I couldn't sleep and got so scared that I started considering hiring an exorcist. Long story short: be careful if you have Bluetooth speakers, because your dickhead neighbor might hack them and start fucking with you. FML

by Anonymous / 04/29/2015 at 1:42pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous