FMLs submitted from Illinois

Today, as part of my job at a pet store, I helped our frat house president pick out goldfish for the new aquarium the big brothers are installing over summer break. And, once I'm initiated, I'll get to swallow one of the fish. FML

by Fish Breath / 06/03/2016 at 6:26pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, a large spider climbed inside my lunchbox while my mom was making me sandwiches. She didn't tell me about it until after I got home from school, though, and only because I mentioned a strange aftertaste in the sandwiches. She said she didn't want me to worry over lunch because she knows I hate spiders. FML

by Arachnaphobe / 06/03/2016 at 6:14pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to the doctor. They did a test and said they would email me the results. My girlfriend saw the email that said "The test was positive", and now she thinks I'm cheating on her with someone named Doctor Johnson. FML

by DaChief / 05/30/2016 at 11:17pm / United States (Illinois) / Love

Today, my dad mentioned how quickly I go through batteries. I've been single and celibate since I moved back home 11 months ago. He doesn't realize this and keeps asking about "missing" batteries. FML

by thundermoo / 05/27/2016 at 12:13pm / United States (Illinois) / Intimacy

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I found out my husband has been catfishing my sixteen year-old brother for over a year. FML

by Anon / 05/23/2016 at 6:49am / United States (Illinois) / Kids

Today, I went into the basement to do laundry. There is a little rope on the outside of the door to lock it. I was down there for 20 minutes, and came back up the stairs to find it locked. Turns out, my 3 year-old sister did it, then our parents took her to the park. I was stuck down there for 4 hours. FML

by Bugga2018 / 05/22/2016 at 7:52pm / United States (Illinois) / Kids

Today, I gave a presentation for my final on class. While I was giving the speech my shirt strap broke. I ended up flashing everyone including the teacher. At least I got an A. FML

by hrs220 / 05/21/2016 at 5:55pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went shopping on my only day off. The only aisle open was self-checkout. I'm a cashier. FML

by ash / 05/18/2016 at 4:00pm / United States (Illinois) / Work

Today, my boyfriend found the box of photos I've been saving for my daughter. He was convinced I was pining over her father and emptied the box into the dumpster behind our apartment. I'm still not done digging through the garbage to find the photos from the day my daughter was born. FML

by rummaging / 05/18/2016 at 9:46am / United States (Illinois) / Love

Today, I went to get a haircut. The guy next to me was in an Army uniform and had requested a short buzz cut. My stylist had to take a call, so another came out and there must've been a miscommunication, but by then, she was already fast at work. Guess who got stuck with the other guy's haircut. FML

by Buzzed_Head9 / 05/16/2016 at 10:58pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I offered my friend $150 to drop my girl and me off for at the airport. He's poor, so I try to help him out by paying for rides. My girl being with me, I asked him not to smoke weed while driving. He turned down the job because he needs a minimum of two blunts for the trip. FML

by echo / 05/11/2016 at 2:59pm / United States (Illinois) / Transportation

Today, my 5 year-old daughter saw me getting ready to sit down in a fold-out camp chair, and told me, with a big smile on her face, "Daddy, you're too fat to sit in that chair. You'll break it with your big butt." Out of the mouths of babes, I guess. FML

by antwhite1987 / 05/08/2016 at 1:30pm / United States (Illinois) / Kids

Today, I was at a mini arcade and accidentally put a hundred dollar bill through the quarter machine. FML

by aianmoo16 / 05/01/2016 at 5:52pm / United States (Illinois) / Money