FMLs submitted from Illinois

Today, my towel was stolen at the swimming pool. I quickly found the culprit, and to avoid a conflict, I just swiped it back when he wasn't looking. I felt pretty good about everything, until I got back home and realized it wasn't actually my towel after all. FML

by Anonymous / 06/30/2014 at 12:19pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, someone stole my laptop from my car. However, they were nice enough to relock the doors after they smashed in the window. FML

by stop thief / 06/26/2014 at 11:11am / United States (Illinois) / Transportation

Today, while waiting for the start of a concert, the man behind me decided to pee into a cup. Then the cup tipped over and drained all down my leg. FML

by AllisonMegan98 / 06/25/2014 at 10:54pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my laziness reached an all-time high. I had a dream that I was at school and had spilled all the contents of my backpack onto the floor. I then purposely shook myself out of my sleep to avoid cleaning up the mess in my dream. FML

by Anonymous / 06/16/2014 at 12:33pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, some alarm, somewhere in my house, is making a low battery noise. I've checked every smoke detector multiple times, and I can't find it. It has been hours. I'm not sure if its still doing it or if the sound has just invaded my brain. FML

by AndrewKeane / 06/09/2014 at 12:26pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I got called "un-American" when I said I didn't care about Kim and Kayne's wedding. FML

by Yeppets / 05/28/2014 at 12:13am / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mom insisted on making my lunch. She didn't know that knives are banned at my high school, and packed me a steak knife for cream cheese. I'm now suspended for 7 days, and she refuses to say that she did anything wrong. FML

by megangubler / 05/26/2014 at 6:34pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend and I got into an argument while she was in the bathroom. I told her I was leaving her because she's too needy. She came out of the bathroom and threw her used tampon at me. FML

by HomicidalPegasus / 05/25/2014 at 11:50am / United States (Illinois) / Love

Today, I found out that the built in lighter in my car does NOT in fact glow red when hot. I now have circles burned into my finger. FML

by My__life___ / 05/20/2014 at 8:53pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I baked a strawberry cake and I didn't have any fresh strawberries for garnish, so I used a can of strawberry pie filling. My neighbors said it looked like the cake was taken from the dumpster behind an abortion clinic. FML

by sothishappened / 05/20/2014 at 5:54am / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I called the cops on a couple who was fighting outside my window at 4am. They hid in the bushes when the cops came, came back out when they left, and started fighting again. FML

by frustrated / 05/17/2014 at 6:11am / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, a lady handed me a $10 tip on a $45 bill. I was happy with it, since it was more than 20%, until she came back in and said, "I'm sorry I gave you the wrong amount." I handed it back to her and then she gave me a dollar. FML

by monkey2069 / 05/13/2014 at 9:58am / United States (Illinois) / Money

Today, I let my sister use my phone to play music in the shower, expecting her to use the speakers I have. She used a ziplock bag with a hole in it to connect her headphones. Now I have a waterlogged phone and my sister still doesn't understand why it didn't work. FML

by wow. / 05/04/2014 at 11:18pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous