FMLs submitted from Illinois

Today, I found out that the built in lighter in my car does NOT in fact glow red when hot. I now have circles burned into my finger. FML

by My__life___ / 05/20/2014 at 8:53pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I baked a strawberry cake and I didn't have any fresh strawberries for garnish, so I used a can of strawberry pie filling. My neighbors said it looked like the cake was taken from the dumpster behind an abortion clinic. FML

by sothishappened / 05/20/2014 at 5:54am / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I called the cops on a couple who was fighting outside my window at 4am. They hid in the bushes when the cops came, came back out when they left, and started fighting again. FML

by frustrated / 05/17/2014 at 6:11am / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, a lady handed me a $10 tip on a $45 bill. I was happy with it, since it was more than 20%, until she came back in and said, "I'm sorry I gave you the wrong amount." I handed it back to her and then she gave me a dollar. FML

by monkey2069 / 05/13/2014 at 9:58am / United States (Illinois) / Money

Today, I let my sister use my phone to play music in the shower, expecting her to use the speakers I have. She used a ziplock bag with a hole in it to connect her headphones. Now I have a waterlogged phone and my sister still doesn't understand why it didn't work. FML

by wow. / 05/04/2014 at 11:18pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I farted so loudly I not only woke myself up, but my husband as well. He mistook my gas for someone trying to break in and insisted on checking the whole house. I was too embarrassed to tell him the truth. FML

by gassymomma / 04/28/2014 at 12:58pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, the man sitting next to me on the train tried to sneak a dead cat into my bag while I was sleeping. FML

by now have a cat / 04/24/2014 at 4:52pm / United States (Illinois) / Animals

Today, I was being shown how to use a nail gun while applying for a job at a construction company. The instructor shot me in the arm with it. I didn't even get the job. FML

by watch_corn_dance / 04/07/2014 at 10:13pm / United States (Illinois) / Work

Today, my clingy girlfriend refused to leave me alone long enough for me to read an article about dealing with clingy girlfriends. FML

by Anonymous / 03/24/2014 at 4:28pm / United States (Illinois) / Love

Today, I found out why my dad always treated me badly as a kid compared to my siblings. It's because I was conceived while my mom was cheating on him. On top of that, he made it clear that he still doesn't consider me a "real" part of the family. FML

by Anonymous / 03/20/2014 at 4:23pm / United States (Illinois) / Kids

Today, I had a music duet in front of a crowd and 3 judges. I play tuba and my partner plays the saxophone. He burst out laughing in the middle of it because one note that I played sounded like a fart. FML

by some band player / 03/09/2014 at 10:09pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, after weeks of summoning up the courage to come out of the closet to my best friend, I told her I was gay. Immediately after she started cracking up, thinking it was a joke. I was so confused and nervous, I went along with it. She still thinks I'm straight. FML

by augiedd / 03/04/2014 at 9:46pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I made myself a hot pocket for lunch. I managed to scald myself on the red-hot cheese, and at the same time bite into the center, which was somehow still frozen solid. FML

by loserr / 02/28/2014 at 12:13pm / United States (Illinois) / Health