FMLs submitted from Georgia

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents. Her huge, ex-Marine father took me out back, saying he wanted to show me something. That something was a machete. He savagely buried it in a tree stump and said, "Son, if you break my daughter's heart, that'll be your dick." FML

by PUA / 03/14/2012 at 9:06pm / United States (Georgia) / Intimacy

Today, I was posing in front of the mirror, when I realized that everyone who looks at me can easily tell which arm I use to masturbate. FML

by Anonymous / 02/24/2012 at 2:18pm / United States (Georgia) / Intimacy

Today, I tried to impress my wife by doing a bunch of push-ups, despite having a bad shoulder. She told me my form sucks and that I'm an idiot. Now I can barely move my arm and I'm going to have to get it fixed. FML

by WTA / 02/20/2012 at 12:36pm / United States (Georgia) / Love

Today, I received a cute letter in my locker. It was in German, so I used Google translate. Apparently, someone hopes I choke on big fat cock. FML

by kittens go meow / 02/14/2012 at 7:35pm / United States (Georgia) / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend of three months told me he's going to get tested for STDs, because he's worried about a previous partner. I'm grateful for his thoughtfulness, but I'd be even more grateful if we hadn't already slept together several times. FML

by nosymptoms / 02/09/2012 at 7:09pm / United States (Georgia) / Intimacy

Today, I went to my first party, hoping to maybe meet some people. I was there for 4 hours, and the person/thing that I interacted most with was a cat. FML

by haileypaige123 / 02/06/2012 at 10:32am / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend shared with me his anxiety about death, so I shared with him one of my ridiculously irrational fears. He thought I was making fun of him and now won't talk to me. FML

by Anonymous / 01/17/2012 at 1:43am / United States (Georgia) / Love

Today, I realized my self confidence is based on the amount of "likes" I have on my Facebook statuses. FML

by Anonymous / 01/16/2012 at 11:10am / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous

Today, my roommate finally cleaned her cat's very full litter box. I later found our only good spatula crusted with kitty feces, which she'd left on the kitchen counter for me to find. FML

by GrossedOut / 01/11/2012 at 2:47am / United States (Georgia) / Animals

Today, my boyfriend texted me saying he had left a surprise on my driveway. Thinking it was something special, I went outside to look. It was a little bag of mayonnaise packets. FML

by Anonymous / 01/08/2012 at 9:41pm / United States (Georgia) / Love

Today, my girlfriend told me there was good news and bad news. Bad news: she's pregnant. Good news: I'm probably not the father. FML

by Anonymous / 01/06/2012 at 7:01pm / United States (Georgia) / Intimacy

Today, it's New Year's Eve. My husband and I weren't invited to any parties, and we don't have a sitter to be able to go out by ourselves. Instead, I'm watching "Beverly Hills Chihuahua 2" on the Disney channel with our 5-year-old, and my husband has passed out on the couch from sheer boredom. FML

by Livewire / 12/31/2011 at 8:22pm / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous

Today, while shopping at Wal-Mart, a guy grabbed my butt. When I turned around to slap him, he shook his head, said "Nice ass but such an ugly face", then walked away. I've never been told I'm ugly before. FML

by thathurt / 12/31/2011 at 7:51pm / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous