FMLs submitted from Florida

Today, the guy I broke up with for not putting any effort into the relationship asked if he could make it up to me by taking me out to lunch. He stood me up. FML

by Anonymous / 04/27/2015 at 10:49am / United States (Florida) / Love

Today, I was watching porn, and ended up bawling because the girl in the video looked like my ex. FML

by montanadinosaur / 04/26/2015 at 12:05am / United States (Florida) / Intimacy

Today, my religious girlfriend convinced me to let her take my virginity. A few hours later, she broke up with me, crying and saying I was going to hell for having sex before marriage. But apparently she isn't, and she can't be with someone who "tempts" her. FML

by Anonymous / 04/22/2015 at 10:24am / United States (Florida) / Intimacy

Today, I was working in the garden, when some fire ants ran up my shorts and bit me on an intimate part of my anatomy. My 4 year old nephew will not stop telling people about my rapid strip tease. FML

by Exodiafinder687 / 04/12/2015 at 5:06am / United States (Florida) / Kids

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, a guy tried to carjack me. Good news: I drive a stick shift, and the idiot apparently couldn't, so I still have my car. Bad news: he was so angry, he beat the shit out of me. I had to get stitches, and now I look like I went on a date with Chris Brown. FML

by Anonymous / 04/10/2015 at 2:04pm / United States (Florida) / Health

Today, it's April Fool's day. I had to take a CPR class, and everything was going well. We took a break and I went to get a drink of water and started choking. They thought I was making fun of the class, and made me leave. FML

by megan / 04/01/2015 at 1:56pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was about to lose my virginity to my girlfriend, with whom I am genuinely in love. Right after I'd got the condom on, she said, "You do know this is break-up sex, right?" FML

by sexisntfun / 03/29/2015 at 10:13pm / United States (Florida) / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend thought it'd be romantic to take me to a strip club for our 1-year anniversary. FML

by Anonymous / 03/28/2015 at 1:10pm / United States (Florida) / Love

Today, an old man approached me at work. I smiled and asked, "Hi, can I help you"? He looked at me for a few seconds before replying, "Fuck me, you need to lose some weight!" and then wandering off. FML

by { o } / 03/22/2015 at 1:41pm / United States (Florida) / Work

Today, after telling my parents that I want to be a vegetarian, I got grounded. Apparently, "black people can't be vegetarians" and, I'm "crazy for even suggesting something like that." FML

by shawnsmuffins / 03/19/2015 at 10:23pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I tried a new hairstyle to impress a guy I like. I was pretty confident, until he took one look at me and said, "Uh... why's there an onion on your head?" So much for that. FML

by RS / 03/17/2015 at 12:25pm / United States (Florida) / Love

Today, at Walmart, I overheard a lady telling a teenage girl that the secret to keeping a guy for life is giving him anal, but that it's important to clean your "shitter" beforehand. I can't believe these kinds of sick freaks actually exist. FML

by Anonymous / 03/15/2015 at 1:54pm / United States (Florida) / Intimacy

Today, I had a dream that I was making pancakes. I need to get out more. FML

by Anonymous / 03/12/2015 at 9:43am / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous