FMLs submitted from Florida

Today, I told my grandma my boyfriend had cheated on me. She told me that it was my fault for not straightening my hair, and for gaining a few pounds. FML

by anon / 09/25/2015 at 12:43am / United States (Florida) / Love

Today, my dad was telling me some childhood stories. He mentioned I once started sucking on a cow's udder when I was 2, and I asked why didn't he stop me. His response: "You were an accident and I wasn't good at the parenting thing". FML

by gotmilk? / 09/22/2015 at 9:41am / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up to a cat licking my face. I don't have a cat. I quickly put the cat out the front door and went back to sleep. When I woke up later, I remembered that I had agreed to take care of my sister's cat for a week. I looked out the door, but the cat is nowhere to be found. FML

by introublenow / 09/18/2015 at 8:22am / United States (Florida) / Animals

Today, I was sitting in a bar telling some young dude to accept responsibility for his life choices. I'm over 50 and was spending my last five dollars on beer. FML

by Anonymous / 09/07/2015 at 11:49am / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, my sister got promoted to manager at the store we both work at. Since company policy states that siblings can't work at the same store if one of them is a manager, I was let go. FML

by Anonymous / 08/21/2015 at 8:29pm / United States (Florida) / Work

Today, I learned that it's possible to get hit by a bird while bungee jumping. FML

by SebastianCT / 08/19/2015 at 1:44pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I decided to sunbathe in my backyard in an attempt to be healthy. The result? Insect bites over my body. Somehow, despite being fully clothed the entire time, my scrotum also received several bites. FML

by julian1 / 08/19/2015 at 7:34am / United States (Florida) / Health

Today, I was on hold with a company for so long that I was able to shower, clean my house, and was using the hold music to put my son to sleep. FML

by ShroomSalad / 08/17/2015 at 6:11pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my vehicle's transmission shifter moves freely without shifting gears. I'm stuck in park, in a parking lot, unable to even put it into neutral to push the vehicle out of the way of several parked cars. The old lady screaming at me just outside my door doesn't understand logic either. FML

by Tarlachia / 08/15/2015 at 1:42pm / United States (Florida) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I had to fire an employee due to his staggering incompetence. The moment I said the F-word, he started fake-coughing, then loudly humming, then went to his desk and pretended not to hear anything I was saying. It took 3 of us to drag him out of the building kicking and screaming. FML

by bruised / 08/15/2015 at 11:47am / United States (Florida) / Work

Today, my mother gave me hell for my "video game addiction". The "game" in question? A professional flight simulator program that I'm using to complement my flight school lessons. FML

by simugeek / 08/15/2015 at 1:53am / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my 4-year-old son's daycare called because he kissed a few girls. They explained he can't walk up and kiss little girls. I thought the situation was under control, until I was called an hour later to remove him from the premises for kissing little boys. FML

by stressedmom36 / 08/13/2015 at 7:50pm / United States (Florida) / Kids

Today, I signed the lease on my first apartment alone with my boyfriend. We've lived here a month before we got to sign. Today is also the day my neighbors decided to show how they're night owls: all I hear is banging on the walls and them loudly talking and yelling. This will be a long year. FML

by ZombieGirl / 08/11/2015 at 3:43am / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous