FMLs submitted from Florida

Today, I was fined because my son pushed the alarm button in the elevator. Why? There was a spider in there. FML

by arachnidphobia / 01/02/2010 at 10:22pm / United States (Florida) / Kids

Today, my 7 year old looks at me and states, "When I grow up Mommy I want to be fat just like you." FML

by Missyangel / 12/31/2009 at 2:39am / United States (Florida) / Kids

Today, I asked my husband if he thought I was pretty. He replied "compared to what?" He was serious. FML

by For / 12/28/2009 at 9:00am / United States (Florida) / Love

Today, I was in bed with my cat on my lap. No one was around, so I felt comfortable enough to let out a huge fart. What I didn't expect was my cat jumping up and then clawing and biting my crotch. FML

by axwound / 12/27/2009 at 8:04am / United States (Florida) / Animals

Today, I found out the gift card my friend gave me for Christmas actually has no money on it and was never purchased in the first place. FML

by DeannaMarie / 12/26/2009 at 3:48pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was told by 'Seventeen' to add liquid highlighter to my foundation for an all-over glow. Little did I know that liquid highlighter is an actual makeup product. I now have an awful rash due to applying the ink from a highlighter pen. FML

by rtrim29 / 12/26/2009 at 11:18am / United States (Florida) / Health

Today, I waited anxiously until midnight to open my Christmas presents. As the clock struck midnight, I ran out into the living room, super-excited to open them, only to discover that everyone in our house had already opened theirs, and had all gone to bed. FML

by iFail / 12/25/2009 at 12:18am / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I decided I was going to do something nice for my parents for Christmas. So, I cleaned the entire house top to bottom, baked cookies, and made them both Christmas cards. What did I get in return? They asked me to wrap my four year old sister's presents, and let me know I got nothing. FML

by blkchkrm / 12/24/2009 at 7:37pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I stepped outside for a smoke. It was 1 a.m. Thinking no one was around, I let out a series of loud, nasty-sounding farts. I looked over to my left to see the neighbor, whom I've never met, also smoking, and staring at me. That was his first impression of me. FML

by FlGirl / 12/24/2009 at 2:00am / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, after having an amazing intimate encounter with my boyfriend of 2 years, I put on an old pair of boxers I still have from when I was heavier. He thinks I am cheating on him and doesn't believe I used to be fat. Now he won't talk to me. FML

by everybodysfool / 12/23/2009 at 8:02pm / United States (Florida) / Intimacy

Today, I was in the bus on my way home. I was reading a book, and drops of something were getting all over it. It was the man sitting next to me who was asleep and drooling. FML

by fml_forever32 / 12/23/2009 at 1:56pm / United States (Florida) / Transportation

Today, my girlfriend wished me a happy birthday. Too bad my birthday isn't for 5 months. She mixed up my birthday with the guy she's been cheating on me with. FML

by Brian / 12/22/2009 at 9:53pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, in an effort to repair our fake Christmas tree, my girlfriend succeeded in gluing it to the floor. I can't get it loose. FML

by blumaster04 / 12/22/2009 at 5:53pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous