FMLs submitted from Florida

Today, I was intently watching my odometer to see it change from 99,999 to 100,000 when I ran into the back of another vehicle. FML

by Anonymous / 10/25/2015 at 9:13am / United States (Florida) / Transportation

Today, I woke up at 2am and went to use the toilet. I sat there doing my business, when I heard a voice whisper my name from behind me. I live alone and the toilet is right up against the wall. I screamed and ran back to my room, then went without sleep for the rest of the night. FML

by haunted / 10/23/2015 at 4:41pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, my husband jokingly said to me, "I think you love Captain Kirk more than me." Without thinking, I said in a serious tone, "I think I do, too." FML

by trekkiewife / 10/20/2015 at 3:45pm / United States (Florida) / Love

Today, I was at K-Mart and saw an exact copy of my engagement ring for twenty bucks. The same one that had supposedly been in my fiancé's family for generations, and worth thousands. FML

by Anonymous / 10/18/2015 at 1:00pm / United States (Florida) / Money

Today, in the middle of a presentation, I fought a shart, but the shart won. FML

by Anonymous / 10/08/2015 at 11:10am / United States (Florida) / Work

Today, I got dragged into playing doubles tennis. It was me and my wife against her parents. I wound up hitting the ball too hard. My mother-in-law, who has the reaction times of a comatose turtle, got nailed. Everyone's convinced I did it on purpose because of our mutual hatred of each other. FML

by Anonymous / 10/04/2015 at 10:20am / United States (Florida) / Health

Today, my aunt asked to see my new airsoft pistol. Not thinking anything of it, I handed it to her. She shot me in the leg. I was standing next to her. FML

by ZombieGirl0417 / 09/30/2015 at 5:13pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, for the first time this semester, I was able to get parking in time for my Wednesday class. The professor was sick and class was cancelled. FML

by college parking sucks / 09/30/2015 at 1:16pm / United States (Florida) / Work

Today, I thought my wife and I would reconcile after being separated for eight months. We ended up sleeping together after a dinner date, but she told told me afterwards that she still wanted a divorce. FML

by anon / 09/27/2015 at 11:27pm / United States (Florida) / Love

Today, I told my grandma my boyfriend had cheated on me. She told me that it was my fault for not straightening my hair, and for gaining a few pounds. FML

by anon / 09/25/2015 at 12:43am / United States (Florida) / Love

Today, my dad was telling me some childhood stories. He mentioned I once started sucking on a cow's udder when I was 2, and I asked why didn't he stop me. His response: "You were an accident and I wasn't good at the parenting thing". FML

by gotmilk? / 09/22/2015 at 9:41am / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up to a cat licking my face. I don't have a cat. I quickly put the cat out the front door and went back to sleep. When I woke up later, I remembered that I had agreed to take care of my sister's cat for a week. I looked out the door, but the cat is nowhere to be found. FML

by introublenow / 09/18/2015 at 8:22am / United States (Florida) / Animals

Today, I was sitting in a bar telling some young dude to accept responsibility for his life choices. I'm over 50 and was spending my last five dollars on beer. FML

by Anonymous / 09/07/2015 at 11:49am / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous