FMLs submitted from Florida

Today, I was disciplining one of my students for behavior, and he started to roll his eyes every time I was trying to teach the lesson. So I threatened to write him up. After looking closely at the student, I realized he has a lazy roaming eye. FML

by qhu / 10/22/2010 at 10:15pm / United States (Florida) / Work

Today, I got a promotion. I was really excited until I realized that the only friend I had to celebrate with was my pet cat. FML

by ktwithaq / 10/18/2010 at 7:27am / United States (Florida) / Work

Today, I found a surveillance camera in my room. FML

by Anonymous / 10/17/2010 at 8:27pm / United States (Florida) / Intimacy

Today, my car door and window were broken when a thief broke into my car. Cost to repair the damage? $600. Increase to my car insurance premiums? $40 a month. What'd they steal from my car? A $0.98 chocolate chip cookie. FML

by Anonymous / 10/16/2010 at 5:54pm / United States (Florida) / Transportation

Today, my boyfriend informed me that since he's doing a project with a girl in his class and carpooling with her in the morning, she'll be sleeping over at his house. FML

by Anonymous / 10/15/2010 at 3:10pm / United States (Florida) / Love

Today, while having sex with my girlfriend, her pet bird whistled a tune she'd been trying to teach it. She stopped and congratulated it, and I took the chance to move it to the other room to prevent further distraction. She got mad and wouldn't let me back in bed because I just "untrained it." FML

by Anonymous / 10/13/2010 at 10:03am / United States (Florida) / Intimacy

Today, I came home to find that my pregnant cat had given birth to a stillborn kitten in every room of the house. It had then rubbed its butt around the house, leaving bloody stains everywhere. When I went to clean the white carpet, the bleach turned it green. FML

by Anonymous / 10/08/2010 at 12:33pm / United States (Florida) / Animals

Today, while working the cash register at my job, a little kid was running around with products while his mom was checking out. She told him she was going to give me his PSP if he didn't stop. He responded by throwing a bag of coffee beans at my face. I didn't even get to keep his PSP. FML

by BagelShmear / 10/06/2010 at 9:15pm / United States (Florida) / Kids

Today, my dad found the ugliest picture my mom has ever taken. I show it to her laughing. She said it looks like me. I looked again and it kind of does. FML

by krt / 10/03/2010 at 7:29pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, while I was going down on my girlfriend, she fell asleep. She said she was too tired to fake it. FML

by Anonymous / 10/02/2010 at 9:34pm / United States (Florida) / Intimacy

Today, I decided to fix my bike and take it for a test ride. Five minutes in, a bee flew into my eye and stung me. In pain, I thought it would be best to go home. I turned around to find a big pitbull running towards me. The dog chased me for a mile before giving up. FML

by unojo08 / 10/01/2010 at 3:26pm / United States (Florida) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was given new meds, and apparently my body doesn't understand the difference between "may cause stomach upset" and "you will crap yourself as you have an orgasm while having sex with your boyfriend." FML

by Anonymous / 09/30/2010 at 9:25am / United States (Florida) / Intimacy

Today, I found out my boyfriend had his phone taken away by his dad for this past week. I have been sending him naked photos and other naughty things this entire week, or so I thought. FML

by Liz / 09/27/2010 at 3:30pm / United States (Florida) / Intimacy