FMLs submitted from Florida

Today, while trying to sleep, my roommates were shouting in the next room. When I poked my head out to tell them to shut up, I was greeted to the sight of one of them with his knob duct-taped inside a gun holster, and the other one trying to rip it off. And they wonder why I'm not more social. FML

by NotEnoughBleach / 03/13/2016 at 11:58pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I forgot my phone on the roof of my car. I took a 30 minute drive from my friend's city to my city. I got on to my driveway, surprised to see my phone still there. Thinking I'm really lucky, I pick up my phone. Then, I trip over a pebble, cracking my phone in the process. FML

by Anonymous / 03/11/2016 at 7:20am / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, we were running a special at work that I had previously been told was an online-only special. After the general manager corrected me, I used the joke excuse of, "It's my first day". The customer replied, "I can tell". I've worked there two years and I'm the assistant manager. FML

by Anonymous / 03/04/2016 at 3:49am / United States (Florida) / Work

Today, at work, man who was buying medicine for his son came up to me for help. He didn't know how to explain it to me, so instead he showed me a picture of a rash on his kid's butthole. FML

by Anonymous / 03/02/2016 at 12:06am / United States (Florida) / Work

Today, I learned that not only am I pregnant, I'm too far along for an abortion. My husband and I originally bonded over the fact that we both hate children. FML

by wellthisisbad / 02/29/2016 at 7:27am / United States (Florida) / Kids

Today, my cousin got married. I was cold so I went to get my jacket from my car. While leaving I saw my cousin walking around the front of the venue. I told her she looked beautiful in her dress. She looked up and said, "Where is my beer, have you seen my beer?" and threw up on me. FML

by Scarred4lyfe / 02/28/2016 at 5:32pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was talking to my new boss while on speakerphone. Then, my sister yelled for me, asking me to check whether she had a yeast infection or not. FML

by embarrassed much / 02/26/2016 at 10:14pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, my husband got some junk mail. My grandma brought the mail in and let my 5-year-old open it because it was just junk. It turns out it was a catalog from an adult toys shop. FML

by Anonymous / 02/19/2016 at 1:26pm / United States (Florida) / Intimacy

Today, a customer brought his cat in to be euthanized. I told him to "have a nice day" as he was leaving. FML

by FootInMyMouth / 02/13/2016 at 5:56pm / United States (Florida) / Animals

Today, one of my friends made it to school. He has been sick recently, missing days out of the week. When I saw him, I greeted him with, "Were you dying yesterday?" Apparently he wasn't, but his grandmother really did. FML

by Anonymous / 02/10/2016 at 8:15pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, after my fiancé of seven years and the father of our four kids broke up with me, saying he slept with another girl but not to worry, he thought about me the whole time and still wants to marry me one day, it turns out he's moved to another state. FML

by nunyabiz112 / 02/09/2016 at 12:02am / United States (Florida) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I got call from the manager for a company I applied for. Turns out, he mixed up my friend's phone number with mine, since we applied on the same day, so the manager accidentally hired her instead of me. He said the position is still mine if I want it, but they will have to let her go. FML

by speaknoevil1 / 01/29/2016 at 1:03am / United States (Florida) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my husband took a pill to make him last longer in bed. He did last longer. He went from 5 minutes to 7. FML

by sadandmad / 01/20/2016 at 11:09am / United States (Florida) / Intimacy