FMLs submitted from Florida

Today, I woke myself up by letting out a long fart. It wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't fallen asleep while on jury duty. FML

by That_Indian_Guy / 11/15/2014 at 8:25am / United States (Florida) / Work

Today, I tried to blackmail my dad by threatening to tell mom about the bong and weed he keeps hidden in the garage. Turns out she already knew about it and neither of them give a shit. Now I'm grounded until the new year. FML

by Anonymous / 11/08/2014 at 3:36pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mentally-unhinged mother reached a new level of psycho - she threw a tantrum and raged at my father, accusing him of cheating on her with our cat. FML

by CatLover / 11/06/2014 at 1:30pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, my eight-year-old microwaved our thermometer to see if the temperature would change. FML

by Anonymous / 11/06/2014 at 7:15am / United States (Florida) / Kids

Today, my daughter mentioned that she didn't need to work because she could convert a dollar to 13 Mexican pesos and convert it back into "13 USD", over and over again. She's 17. FML

by wow / 11/02/2014 at 10:23am / United States (Florida) / Kids

Today, I realized why the lady I had complimented the night before on Halloween about her amazing one-armed costume, looked so hurt. She is literally missing an arm. I'm an asshole. FML

by That Guy / 11/01/2014 at 8:58am / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mom called and casually let me know she'd wrecked my iPad after putting it in the dryer with my bed sheets. FML

by Anonymous / 10/24/2014 at 10:53pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, my wife got a new best-friend. It's my ex-wife. FML

by max / 10/23/2014 at 7:30pm / United States (Florida) / Love

Today, I volunteered to tutor a 17-year-old girl in science. I had to explain in detail of what the real Big Bang theory was, as she only knew about the show. Later, I heard I was reported by her because apparently, "I was trying to convert her to Scientology." I now know why she needed a tutor. FML

by sushipanda9 / 10/20/2014 at 8:07pm / United States (Florida) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, the steroids I was prescribed for a slightly irritating sinus infection have worked, albeit at the price of making me almost shit my pants multiple times. My sinuses are now clear enough that I get the full scent of my steroid-induced diarrhea. FML

by roidrager / 10/16/2014 at 12:44pm / United States (Florida) / Health

Today, coming home, I opened up my door to find my drunk boyfriend trying to teach our three baby parakeets to perch on his erect penis. FML

by facepalm / 10/15/2014 at 7:36pm / United States (Florida) / Love

Today, I got called to the guidance office, only to be told my boyfriend broke up with me. He wasn't sure how to break the news to me, so he made my guidance counselor do it for him. FML

by Anonymous / 10/14/2014 at 2:57pm / United States (Florida) / Love

Today, I received an email from an angry parent, demanding that I give his daughter an A on a project which I had given her a 0 on. The project was to pick an article related to science and to write an essay on it. Hers was a hoax article relating to Ebola patients rising from the dead. FML

by Anonymous / 10/12/2014 at 4:46pm / United States (Florida) / Work