FMLs submitted from Florida

Today, I woke up with every muscle in my body hurting so bad I could hardly walk. Participation in a triathlon, or overdoing it at the gym? No, the results of a day spent cleaning the house. FML

by FlabbyPants / 01/05/2015 at 9:51pm / United States (Florida) / Health

Today, my dad rejected my birthday present to him because it was "Made in China." FML

by whatajerk / 01/02/2015 at 10:11pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, my 8-year-old daughter was throwing a tantrum, and I said "Keep this up and I'll tell Santa to take your presents back." She told me I don't even know Santa, at which point I accidentally blurted that I'm "Santa". FML

by Santa / 12/24/2014 at 10:01pm / United States (Florida) / Kids

Today, on a first date with a guy, I spilled ice cream all over my pants. He bought me some more, and as I was thanking him, he said, "You've never had a guy treat you right, have you?" I said no and started crying. FML

by Soulara89 / 12/22/2014 at 8:28pm / United States (Florida) / Love

Today, I got in trouble for going to work sick. Yesterday, I got in trouble for not going to work while sick. FML

by Mandy / 12/22/2014 at 4:36pm / United States (Florida) / Work

Today, I had to find simple words to explain to the idiot I was tutoring that "1/4" is not of a greater value than "1/3" just because the denominator is bigger. FML

by Mightaswelltutordogs / 12/20/2014 at 8:16pm / United States (Florida) / Kids

Today, a student's mother sent me an e-mail complaining that I was requiring her child to read a book containing mild profanity. She then demanded me to let him read an easier book. This would've been somewhat acceptable if the student wasn't in the 12th grade. FML

by Anonymous / 12/16/2014 at 9:11pm / United States (Florida) / Work

Today, I found out that the "IRS scam" that I ignored last week was actually not a scam, and now I have a warrant out for me. FML

by dawg / 12/14/2014 at 10:50pm / United States (Florida) / Money

Today, I was informed that my uneven facial features make me seem "untrustworthy." Glad to know my unchangeable physical appearance doubles as a character flaw. FML

by lopsided / 12/14/2014 at 2:56am / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, my commitment issues were perfectly illustrated when I couldn't put a nail in the wall to hang a painting, because, "What if I change my mind?" FML

by Anonymous / 12/12/2014 at 9:45am / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I noticed that I'm way more productive when I'm drinking than when I'm not. I think I just figured out why I'm related to so many alcoholics. FML

by anonymous / 12/11/2014 at 8:17pm / United States (Florida) / Health

Today, I woke up feeling awful and decided to make myself a nice egg omelette with bacon, toast and fresh fruit. As I went to eat it, I stubbed my toe and dropped it all on the floor. My dogs were very happy about that. FML

by Dani / 12/05/2014 at 4:00pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I thought I was doing a nice thing when I spent hundreds of dollars to get my friend a plane ticket home. She yelled at me when I gave it to her. Turns out, she planned on spending a few more months freeloading off me. FML

by yourewelcome / 12/04/2014 at 9:04pm / United States (Florida) / Money