FMLs submitted from Florida

Today, my neighbor came over to borrow my lawnmower. As I have previously loaned it to him and he returned it broken, I refused. He then promptly ate the strawberries off my daughter's small strawberry plant and stormed off. FML

by its still broken / 06/10/2015 at 8:13pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, my District Manager was impressed by all the appointments in my upcoming calendar. Bubbling with pride, I blurted out "Oh, I just love to have all my slots filled!" The awkward silence was only broken by "That's what she said!" from the next cubicle. FML

by officeditz / 06/03/2015 at 9:59pm / United States (Florida) / Work

Today, my father told me that my mental health issues, which have been confirmed by multiple doctors and tests, are all caused by the fact that I'm slightly overweight and don't exercise a lot. FML

by Anonymous / 05/29/2015 at 10:23am / United States (Florida) / Health

Today, at work, I dropped two bottles of wine on the floor. Unbelievably, they both didn't break. That, however, did not stop my boss from taking a few points away on my evaluation. My $3 raise is now reduced to $0.25. FML

by A1NoSauce / 05/25/2015 at 10:26pm / United States (Florida) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my dad came to my 8-year-old daughter's birthday party wearing a shirt that said "Small penis, huge dick." FML

by Anonymous / 05/23/2015 at 3:03am / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was finishing my chest workout at the gym when this really cute girl started using the machine next to me. To impress her, I tried lifting a lot of weight on the barbell. It ended up landing on my neck and she had to help me get it off. FML

by Idle_Twin / 05/17/2015 at 1:53pm / United States (Florida) / Health

Today, some genius shot through a red light, hitting my car and nearly killing me. When I went to ask if he was okay, the first words out of his mouth were "I hope you have insurance". FML

by hendrixisgod86 / 05/15/2015 at 2:48pm / United States (Florida) / Transportation

Today, I went to bring my 92-year-old neighbor some cake we had just made. When I walked in, she was wearing pants. That's it. I stared blinking in shock for a few seconds before running away, yelling, "So sorry. I brought you cake. Real tired. Gonna sleep now. Bye." FML

by Nikki / 05/12/2015 at 8:33pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I sent a $120 bouquet of flowers for mother's day. When I called tonight see if my Mom got them, she replied that they were still on the doorstep because she "didn't want the dogs to get excited and start barking" when she opened the front door to bring them in. FML

by yapDogs / 05/09/2015 at 9:43pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I took a shower with my boyfriend. I tried to be adventurous and went to give him a blowjob, only to end up slipping and head-butting him in the balls. FML

by pleasedie / 05/07/2015 at 2:00pm / United States (Florida) / Intimacy

Today, my grandmother came to visit and asked me, "Did you change your hair, or are you just fatter now?" FML

by Chubby / 05/07/2015 at 7:01am / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I decided it was time to start looking for my own place and finally gain my full independence. My mom agreed happily without hesitation, which was surprising, but not anywhere near as surprising as finding out I have one day to get my shit together and leave. FML

by anonymous / 05/05/2015 at 2:42am / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend for the first time. I moved my leg to wrap it around him and accidentally hit his penis. Without thinking, I said, "Sorry little guy!" FML

by MiniJeans / 04/29/2015 at 10:25pm / United States (Florida) / Intimacy