FMLs submitted from District of Columbia

Today, I sent in an assignment from my batshit insane teacher. The assignment was to read a poem, analyze it, and make a comic of its plot. This would've been fine if the teacher who assigned it to me didn't teach math. FML

by bestnameright / 12/09/2012 at 10:53pm / United States (District of Columbia) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my fiancé's stepfather asked me how my teaching job was going. I replied heatedly that I've never taught, and then complained bitterly to my fiancé about how his family still doesn't know me. Turns out his stepfather has early onset dementia, and that I'm an asshole. FML

by inthefamily / 10/23/2012 at 9:29am / United States (District of Columbia) / Health

Today, my girlfriend confessed that she was scared that she was more in love with me than I in her, and that she was afraid I would leave her. So she left me instead. I'd been thinking about proposing. FML

by RingAroundThe..SPLAT / 05/16/2012 at 12:10am / United States (District of Columbia) / Love

Today, I had to work late. I missed the last bus so I called a cab. That was 3 hours ago. I called my dad for a ride. That was 2 hours ago. I guess I'm sleeping under my desk tonight. FML

by Wendizzle / 01/27/2012 at 12:35am / United States (District of Columbia) / Transportation

Today, I learned that when microwaveable pizzas say "Caution, hot after cooking" what they really mean is that you should be prepared for the cardboard tray to fall apart when you try to pick it up and that boiling hot cheese is going to run down your arm. FML

by ohforcheese / 01/19/2012 at 3:19pm / United States (District of Columbia) / Health

Today, I moved in with my new roommate. She's a vegetarian, and won't let me put my meat in the fridge because it will "contaminate her food". FML

by merrymary / 01/07/2012 at 6:11am / United States (District of Columbia) / Miscellaneous

Today, it's my birthday. My boyfriend took me to dinner and near the end, he pulled out a long, rectangular box. Thinking it was a necklace, I got very excited. It was a wand. FML

by reallyman__639 / 12/13/2011 at 7:26am / United States (District of Columbia) / Love

Today, I farted in front of my husband for the first time in 26 years. He told our kids over email, and now they won't shut up about it. FML

by lol / 12/05/2011 at 1:13am / United States (District of Columbia) / Health

Today, my husband asked me, "Why do you love me?" I spent the next five minutes spilling my heart and soul out to him. After I'd asked the same question, he looked me straight in the eye and said, "I don't." FML

by nirvana_mama157 / 11/28/2011 at 7:51am / United States (District of Columbia) / Love

Today, I came in to work looking very tan. I took Friday off to go to a friend's funeral, which was outdoors, and I tan very easily. Now my boss and everyone else thinks I lied about my friend's death to get off work on a Friday. FML

by waytootan / 08/22/2011 at 4:34pm / United States (District of Columbia) / Work

Today, I thought an attractive guy was looking at my tits instead of my face, and prepared to act offended and perhaps flirt. Unfortunately, he was actually looking at the peeling and flaking sunburn in my cleavage, and informed me that Aloe might be helpful. FML

by Liz / 06/09/2011 at 12:21am / United States (District of Columbia) / Intimacy

Today, on my metro ride home, I sat next to a woman who thought it was appropriate to continually scratch at her scalp and then eat her 'scalp pickings'. When I looked over at her hair, I could see scabs clumped together from her previous scratching sessions. FML

by kekeroos / 05/20/2011 at 11:17am / United States (District of Columbia) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my therapist told me that I need to do something different with my hair. Then I paid her. FML

by mmromig / 02/08/2011 at 9:46am / United States (District of Columbia) / Health