FMLs submitted from District of Columbia

Today, I asked my husband if he wanted to visit my parents for Thanksgiving. He choked on his own spit to avoid answering the question. FML

by Husband / 11/22/2016 at 9:33am / United States (District of Columbia) / Holidays

Today, I was threatened with eviction over $6.25. They waited three days to tell me and left me one business day to get it done. Six fucking dollars and 25 goddamn cents. FML

by lululand315 / 10/11/2016 at 10:40am / United States (District of Columbia) / Money

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I learned that the burning sensation I get on my balls isn't from when my girlfriend poured hot sauce on my balls as a prank, it's actually gonorrhea. FML

by Battlebarney / 09/22/2016 at 6:58am / United States (District of Columbia) / Health

Today, my husband complained about my lack of sex drive. Gee, I wonder why Mr. "Always comes first by humping for a whopping 30 seconds." FML

by Undersexed / 09/14/2016 at 6:01pm / United States (District of Columbia) / Intimacy

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend of almost 4 months. He was always worried I would cheat on him, so he cheated on me. FML

by anon... / 08/26/2016 at 12:10am / United States (District of Columbia) / Love

Today, I had to deal with yet another day of people looking at my name tag and saying "You know nothing, John Snow." with a shit-eating grin, like they're the wittiest people alive. Then I had to deal with my boss telling me to lighten up, because it's "just a joke". FML

by Anonymous / 07/22/2016 at 1:19pm / United States (District of Columbia) / Work

Today, my kids overheard me talking about cleaning the fuel system in our RV before we go to Disney World. They were so eager to get there, they decided they'd clean the fuel system themselves while I was at work, namely by pouring Tide into the gas tank. FML

by DoubledTrouble / 07/21/2016 at 7:58am / United States (District of Columbia) / Kids

Today, I went for a three-mile run. I was really proud of myself until I woke up from my dream in my bed, surrounded by empty soda bottles and fast food bags. I haven't worked out in years. FML

by Ew / 05/26/2016 at 9:02am / United States (District of Columbia) / Miscellaneous

Today, my anxiety has gotten so bad that I start to panic every time someone even approaches me. I'm a cashier, and I'm only halfway through my shift. FML

by PhantomKitty / 04/29/2016 at 11:20am / United States (District of Columbia) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, at my college, someone snatched my laptop out of my hands, so I chased him. Turns out I'm so overweight and slow that he moonwalked away facing me, while I sprinted my heart out. FML

by Jif_Creamy / 02/28/2016 at 12:00am / United States (District of Columbia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I accidentally let out a silent but obscenely deadly fart in the doctor's waiting room. It was so foul that a woman got insanely pissed at her kid because she thought he'd shat his pants again. FML

by lambeaster / 01/20/2016 at 9:27am / United States (District of Columbia) / Kids

Today, I found out that my immediate supervisor had modified my phone in the priority order at our call center. As a result, any calls that came in during the night shift would be routed to my phone first, so that he can play games on his phone uninterrupted. It's been a whole year. FML

by YouBossturd / 11/10/2015 at 10:17am / United States (District of Columbia) / Work

Today, I had to come up with a new rule for my library's patrons: If you, your child, or your dog has thrown up on our books, we DON'T WANT THEM BACK. FML

by apaterra / 11/07/2015 at 9:14am / United States (District of Columbia) / Work