FMLs submitted from Colorado

Today, I'm no longer allowed to work the drive-thru at my job, because over the weekend, 3 dumbasses I go to school with came in and complained to my manager, saying I sounded a creepy pervert and that it scared them enough to take their business elsewhere. FML

by why / 10/11/2015 at 10:07pm / United States (Colorado) / Work

Today, while having lunch with my grandparents, my grandpa's eyes glazed over, his head fell and he slumped in his chair. I started panicking and almost cried, thinking he was dead. Then he laughed and said "Just kidding. I'm fine." FML

by Anonymous / 10/09/2015 at 2:02pm / United States (Colorado) / Miscellaneous

Today, I asked my boyfriend of 3 years what he thought about marriage in the future. "Who knows? We might meet other people soon." FML

by Spinster / 09/30/2015 at 1:26am / United States (Colorado) / Love

Today, I was with my girlfriend at lunch when a group of guys came over. They started calling her a whore and a bunch of other shit, so I cussed them out. Turns out she was not only cheating on me, but all the other guys too. FML

by Jgfenix / 09/21/2015 at 8:24pm / United States (Colorado) / Love

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex when halfway through, he leaned over to grab his cup of hot coffee off the nightstand. He then attempted to drink it and spilled most of it on me. He never stopped thrusting the whole time, and wanted to continue after. FML

by Anonymous / 09/21/2015 at 9:00am / United States (Colorado) / Intimacy

Today, I walked in on my dad completely naked. When I expressed my displeasure, he told me to knock next time. I'd agree with him, if he hadn't been standing in the middle of the hallway in our very open living room. FML

by Eminnis / 08/30/2015 at 11:27pm / United States (Colorado) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had to call the doctor regarding my penis. Not because of erectile dysfunction or an erection lasting more than four hours, but because of the multiple fire ant bites I woke up to after falling asleep in my backyard. FML

by unsuckable / 08/28/2015 at 2:13am / United States (Colorado) / Health

Today, my slightly batshit insane grandma called me disgusting and unladylike. Why? For writing with my left hand. FML

by lefthandspanker / 08/27/2015 at 12:34pm / United States (Colorado) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out my grandma sleeps in the nude. I witnessed her running naked from her bedroom to the bathroom, because she "didn't have enough time" to put on her robe. I need to get my own place. FML

by IrisKitty / 08/18/2015 at 3:07am / United States (Colorado) / Miscellaneous

Today, my stepbrother's attempt at making a snack resulted in the microwave catching on fire and the everlasting smell of burnt pizza rolls. FML

by Tyrez / 08/14/2015 at 7:38pm / United States (Colorado) / Kids

Today, I learnt the meaning of the phrase "ménage à trois". I had always thought it was synonymous with "fiasco" and have used it several times in essays. FML

by johobus28 / 08/05/2015 at 11:31pm / United States (Colorado) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I had to call a coworker to the office via the store intercom. The damn thing didn't turn off properly and everyone heard me say "I hate that asshole. Just be where your dumb ass should be." I realized my mistake a few seconds before my manager stormed in and threatened to fire me. FML

by suspended / 07/24/2015 at 8:59pm / United States (Colorado) / Work

Today, my wife sent me a Google Calendar reminder for "sex". FML

by stargate25 / 07/23/2015 at 10:33pm / United States (Colorado) / Intimacy