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  • - Concept: An anecdote always starts with Today and ends with FML. There are no taboo subjects, feel free to express yourself.
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FMLs submitted from California

Today, I realized out how sad my love life is when I got excited that the number a girl gave me turned out to really be hers. FML

#21417861
71 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28147) - you deserved it (2739)

On 05/30/2015 at 1:40am - love - by L_lives (man) - United States (California)

Today, at my daughter's wedding celebration, I was doing a Michael Jackson act with a few buddies. It went well until I did the crotch-grab. I yanked my balls too hard and fell to the floor, writhing in agony in front of nearly 70 guests. FML

#21417667
60 comments

I agree, your life sucks (15938) - you deserved it (24207)

On 05/29/2015 at 4:15pm - health - by not a kiddy fiddler really (man) - United States (California)

Today, I called 911 to report a drunk driver. The operator yelled at me for following the guy and told me to get off the phone because I shouldn't be driving with a phone to my ear. FML

#21416830
105 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26541) - you deserved it (6441)

On 05/27/2015 at 9:28pm - misc - by drivingmecrazy - United States (California)

Today, I got into a heated argument with my girlfriend. Not because of anything I did, but because she actually believes that pasteurization is when a pastor blesses a dairy product. "You know, like kosher." FML

#21416018
94 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26483) - you deserved it (2452)

On 05/26/2015 at 11:12am - love - by Anonymous (man) - United States (California)

Today, I lost a book. I'd used my credit card as a bookmark. FML

#21415900
110 comments

I agree, your life sucks (14457) - you deserved it (45926)

On 05/26/2015 at 2:54am - money - by stupid (man) - United States (California)

Today, after a broken smoke detector in my home caused the fire department to come, I got an angry visit from my neighbor who was upset because she had parked in front of a fire hydrant and got a ticket. She demands that I pay it, "or else." FML

#21415473
110 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30574) - you deserved it (2109)

On 05/25/2015 at 12:04pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (California)

Today, while sick with the flu, I had the police called on me by my older neighbors downstairs. They thought I was hosting a party at 3 in the morning. I was really just throwing up constantly. FML

#21415404
39 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27748) - you deserved it (1700)

On 05/25/2015 at 7:39am - health - by Hooperist (man) - United States (California)

Today, I woke up to my little sister strangling me. My parents accused me of making the red marks on my throat myself to exaggerate how bad it was. She's just "going through a phase", they say, and I'm a bad person for punching her to get her off me. FML

#21414899
121 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33407) - you deserved it (2089)

On 05/24/2015 at 11:15am - kids - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (California)

Today, I strained so hard trying to take a crap that I broke a blood vessel in my eye. FML

#21414271
91 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26313) - you deserved it (5635)

On 05/23/2015 at 12:38am - misc - by Strainer - United States (California)

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She said she wanted to accept, but that she'd basically have to get her mom's permission first. Apparently the answer was no. The worst thing is that she really is this unhealthily dependent on her mom, and probably wasn't lying about needing her permission. FML

#21414249
80 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27407) - you deserved it (2868)

On 05/22/2015 at 11:44pm - love - by Anonymous (man) - United States (California)

Today, we were discussing evolution at the super-religious school I'm forced to attend. I mentioned homo sapiens, and my teacher mockingly replied, "You actually believe in homo sapiens? Hahahah!" The whole class started laughing. No, not at the teacher; at me. FML

#21414003
180 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30375) - you deserved it (2104)

On 05/22/2015 at 1:10pm - misc - by homo fuckofftus (man) - United States (California)

Today, my girlfriend of a week showed me her talent: shooting milk out of her vagina across the room. Goodbye dairy products. FML

#21413854
167 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30335) - you deserved it (3851)

On 05/22/2015 at 2:55am - intimacy - by zzarzzur (man) - United States (California)

Today, I backed into an expensive SUV only minutes after my boss congratulated me for being the only employee to not wreck a company car. FML

#21413424
49 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27569) - you deserved it (4937)

On 05/21/2015 at 6:48am - work - by pgmonster - United States (California)



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