FMLs submitted from California

Today, I found out that pinching the tip of the condom before you roll it down to the base is NOT a suggestion. FML

by Drewzter / 01/10/2010 at 10:33pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, ignoring the unspoken rule of not entering the bus when the driver's not inside, I went in while he was taking a break. As I stepped inside, he reached in the window and pressed the "close-door" button. It closed on my hand. Everyone at the bus stop laughed as I yelped in pain. FML

by regrub / 01/10/2010 at 4:14am / United States (California) / Transportation

Today, I finished up a week of this new "Liquid Foods" diet I learned about from a friend. After a week of denying myself of my favorite foods and eating only non-fat yoghurt and smoothies, I have not only gained 2 pounds, but have diarrhea. Just in time for my anniversary. FML

by bummed / 01/10/2010 at 12:35am / United States (California) / Health

Today, after months of hardcore flirting with this incredibly attractive guy, he invited me to hang out. At which point he introduced me to his boyfriend. FML

by Anonymous / 01/09/2010 at 4:26pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, formal portraits of my entire class were posted online, with about five photos per person. As my mom was looking at them, she was commenting about how pretty all my classmates look. When she got to my photos, all she had to say was "ugh". FML

by Anonymous / 01/08/2010 at 7:09pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was texting this guy that I hooked up with yesterday. We were gonna do it again but he had basketball practice. I was talking to my friend about it, and sent her a text saying "Oh well. I have explosive diarrhea anyways." She wasn't replying, so I checked my sent box. I sent it to him. FML

by weeble_wobbles09 / 01/08/2010 at 12:09am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, my friends decided it would be funny to engage the child locks on the rear doors of my SUV. My SUV has a bolted cage for the dog separating the front from the back. Guess who was locked in their own car for 2 hours? FML

by Archie / 01/07/2010 at 3:31am / United States (California) / Transportation

Today, my college professor/employer failed to send in a letter I had been counting on for a scholarship application. He has also decided not to pay me for the last two months. I'm not going to make rent. Apparently this is the punishment you get for politely declining a date with a married man. FML

by nothotforteacher / 01/07/2010 at 2:13am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I treated my friends to lunch at a posh restaurant because it's my birthday. While we were walking leisurely around the mall afterwards, their boyfriends showed up. I spent the next few hours walking alone behind them while they were walking hand in hand with their boyfriends. FML

by ribbonsundone / 01/06/2010 at 5:07am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I noticed the woman I've been sleeping with for over 2 years never lets me see her naked during sex. I confronted her about it and she replied, "I don't care if you see me naked. I was just leaving the lights off the whole time so I don't have to see you naked." FML

by audied / 01/04/2010 at 4:26pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I realized that getting an awesome new phone with all the new bells and whistles doesn't mean that people will now actually want to talk to me. FML

by Anonymous / 01/04/2010 at 2:01am / United States (California) / Money

Today, while on the treadmill, my iPod fell and shot out underneath my feet. I got off to get it, and when I tried to get back on, I slipped and fell on my face on the moving track. The whole gym watched me get beat up by a treadmill and clapped when I finally got back on. FML

by i-should-probably-stick-to-swimming / 01/03/2010 at 11:28am / United States (California) / Health

Today, I realized that the only male that has ever been in bed with me has been my cat. FML

by Darling_Cherry / 01/02/2010 at 4:22pm / United States (California) / Animals