FMLs submitted from California

Today, I found out that I'm a dad. My ex from 8 years ago contacted me through facebook. I'm happy I have a kid, but apparently she only contacted me because she wants me to start paying child support, now her boyfriend who provided for them left. FML

by newdad / 09/06/2010 at 7:21pm / United States (California) / Kids

Today, I was woken up by my sister and her husband pretending to make moaning sounds in the room next to mine. I began to make moaning sounds as well to fight back. It turns out the "moaning" was actually their dogs snoring down stairs. Breakfast was awkward. FML

by jackson / 09/06/2010 at 1:02pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, it was my boyfriend's parents' anniversary so I thought I'd do something to impress them. I made them chocolate-covered strawberries. But for some reason they gave me really dirty looks when they saw it. Turns out his mother is allergic to strawberries and his father is allergic to chocolate. FML

by wakinginvegas87 / 09/05/2010 at 11:49am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I saw a car on the side on the highway with a popped tire. The driver didn't have a spare, so I nicely gave them mine. One hour later my tire popped. FML

by anonymous / 09/04/2010 at 1:15am / United States (California) / Love

Today, I decided to drive my mothers Bentley. She is out of town and told me not to go near the car. Being 17, I didn't listen. As I was backing out the driveway, I was hit by an SUV, seriously damaging my moms car. Who was driving the SUV? My mom, coming home early. FML

by ohseven6421 / 09/03/2010 at 12:13am / United States (California) / Transportation

Today, my mom told me I was conceived on Halloween. She thought it would be funny to say "Let's just say your dad was not wearing his ghost costume." She then winked. I am now scarred for life. FML

by anonymous.. / 09/02/2010 at 8:29pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, Burger King gave me a moldy bun. I noticed 1/5 of the way through the sandwich. My compensation for ingesting mold? A coupon for half-off a Whopper. FML

by Anonymous / 09/01/2010 at 12:13am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I witnessed my girlfriend scratch her crotch and then sniff her fingers. FML

by Anonymous / 08/30/2010 at 3:30am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I was taking care of a friend's hamster. Thinking the hamster wanted to make a bed, I put some cotton balls in his cage so he would be comfy. He promptly ate them and died. FML

by Kelli / 08/28/2010 at 12:56am / United States (California) / Animals

Today, I was riding the public bus and a really fat, smelly guy sat next to me. He put his arm around my shoulder and asked me if I was single. My stop wasn't for three more miles. FML

by Anonymous / 08/26/2010 at 7:41pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, I made a mistake at work that got 7 people fired. I'm scared to leave the office because they're all outside. FML

by Joel / 08/25/2010 at 3:13pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, I decided to wax my own eyebrows with a Do It Yourself kit from the pharmacy. I'm now missing half of my right eyebrow. FML

by Eyebrowsgone / 08/25/2010 at 9:10am / United States (California) / Health

Today, I was at my sixteenth birthday party. My guests consisted of my grandma who I live with, and my 2-year-old cousin she was babysitting. FML

by bestbirthdayever / 08/24/2010 at 3:18am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous