FMLs submitted from California

Today, I woke up to my roommate's friend rustling in the attic without permission to be there. When I asked how he got in with all doors and windows locked, he simply said, "It's a secret." FML

by Anonymous / 01/11/2016 at 4:52pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was out with my brother and his group of very cute friends at a Cheesecake Factory. When the server came to take our orders, she asked me what kind of sauce I liked. Like a complete fuckwit, I blurted, "I like creamy white stuff." The guy across from me choked on his water. FML

by Bex98 / 01/11/2016 at 3:17am / United States (California) / Intimacy

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my mom said if I dont get straight A's in my classes this year, she'll get the school to hold me back until I do. I believe her. FML

by Anonymous / 01/10/2016 at 5:35am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I waited patiently in the airport as my flight was repeatedly delayed. After 5 long hours I approached one of the attendees to discover that the plane had left 5 minutes ago. FML

by whenlifeisalemon / 01/09/2016 at 6:19pm / United States (California) / Transportation

Today, I overheard my parents talking about our family pet. Or at least I thought they were, until my mother exclaimed, "Honestly, I don't know why we keep her." Our dog is male. FML

by familypet / 01/08/2016 at 10:09pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I tried really hard for once on an assignment. I was told it was my worst work yet and that I may as well have turned nothing in at all. FML

by i tried so hard / 01/08/2016 at 10:54am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, it's day three of our power being off because of a glitch in the power company's computer system. They won't turn it back on until we pay the $2000 we owe from 2010. We moved here in 2012. FML

by its dark / 01/07/2016 at 6:04pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out why my coworkers never invite me anywhere. Apparently, I "made a face" when one of them used the N-word, and it makes them uncomfortable to be around me. FML

by seeking new employment / 01/06/2016 at 8:55pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, let's just say it's not a good sign when your plumber yells "What the fuck?!" That is, unless you actually like your kitchen being swamped by sewage. FML

by Anonymous / 01/06/2016 at 10:58am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I finally got myself settled into bed around 2 in the morning after a very long day. My cat started to snuggle with me when I smelled something disgusting. Turns out my cat sharted in my bed. FML

by Anonymous / 01/06/2016 at 1:54am / United States (California) / Animals

Today, I went to move a load of laundry out of the washer and into the dryer, but the clothes were already in the dryer. Normally, I would be happy about this. However, I am currently living alone. FML

by Pithegreat / 01/05/2016 at 11:48pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was in church. During the prayer, I moved my foot and it pressed against the automatic button on my umbrella causing it to suddenly open. As if that wasn't bad enough, I screamed simultaneously at the shock. FML

by embarrassed / 01/04/2016 at 12:58pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my husband and I were getting frisky. All was going well until I decided to go down on him, causing him to freak out, thinking I was going for his butt, ending the night with a black eye from being knee'd in the face. FML

by Anonymous / 01/04/2016 at 1:59am / United States (California) / Intimacy