FMLs submitted from California

Today, I was forced to get up in front of ten swim teams, including my own, and a hundred spectators to swim 100 yards with an obvious boner sticking out of my suit. FML

by notagoodtime / 02/06/2016 at 3:52pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, my psycho-obsessed ex-girlfriend blabbed all about how she got a check in the mail for $1000 from CrimeStoppers on Facebook and Twitter. This explains how my current girlfriend and two of my friends all got arrested last week for having weed. FML

by Anonymous / 02/04/2016 at 5:55pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, after finding out that my professor likes to talk trash about, and constantly belittle, Muslims in every American History class he teaches, I submitted an essay about Muslim contributions to humanity. He held me back after class and asked why I gave him such filth. I'm a Muslim. FML

by Upset / 02/03/2016 at 1:14pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, after a badly misjudged hand signal, I accidentally hit my boss in the face instead of high-fiving her. FML

by Anonymous / 02/03/2016 at 10:06am / United States (California) / Work

Today, my mailman refused to deliver my mail for an undetermined amount of time, because my 8 year-old, arthritic dog, who can barely walk, "made him feel threatened." FML

by cassie0216 / 02/01/2016 at 11:17pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I called the cops on my elderly neighbor for blaring loud war music yet again. They chatted and laughed with him on his lawn for a good half hour. As they left, he slapped the female officer's ass, only for her to just giggle about it. After they drove off, he fired up his music again. FML

by Anonymous / 01/30/2016 at 12:07am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got let go from my job, because my personal cell phone doesn't always have signal, so I missed an important call from work. My contract specifically said I'd get a work phone, which never happened. FML

by Anonymous / 01/29/2016 at 10:54am / United States (California) / Work

Today, I found out that I don't have to work tomorrow. Normally I would be thrilled to hear this, but not from the 6 o'clock news, doing a piece on my work's rat infestation and indefinite shut down. FML

by imahater07 / 01/28/2016 at 2:02am / United States (California) / Work

Today, after weeks of watching Michael Jackson videos non-stop, my boyfriend learned how to moonwalk. Now he does it literally everywhere. I can't even cross the street without him moonwalking behind me. FML

by Anonymous / 01/27/2016 at 7:24pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, after weeks of eating in the same restaurant, I finally worked up the nerve to ask the super-cute cashier for her phone number. "Aw, how cute. Do you have an older brother?" FML

by CaptMacLeod / 01/26/2016 at 4:18am / United States (California) / Love

Today, my grandma saw me putting some mints in my mouth when she walked by my room. Instead of confronting me, she told my dad I was doing drugs. FML

by Anonymous / 01/25/2016 at 10:44pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to a very important job interview. I was so nervous that I passed out right in front of the interviewer's desk. FML

by Tiffer27 / 01/25/2016 at 1:02pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, I had to convince my parents to shut the door when they have sex. They have done this on multiple occasions. FML

by helloimkylieee / 01/24/2016 at 8:04pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous