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FMLs submitted from California

Today, we were discussing evolution at the super-religious school I'm forced to attend. I mentioned homo sapiens, and my teacher mockingly replied, "You actually believe in homo sapiens? Hahahah!" The whole class started laughing. No, not at the teacher; at me. FML

#21414003
70 comments

I agree, your life sucks (6327) - you deserved it (397)

On 05/22/2015 at 1:10pm - misc - by homo fuckofftus (man) - United States (California)

Today, my girlfriend of a week showed me her talent: shooting milk out of her vagina across the room. Goodbye dairy products. FML

#21413854
128 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18994) - you deserved it (2115)

On 05/22/2015 at 2:55am - intimacy - by zzarzzur (man) - United States (California)

Today, I backed into an expensive SUV only minutes after my boss congratulated me for being the only employee to not wreck a company car. FML

#21413424
48 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22047) - you deserved it (3960)

On 05/21/2015 at 6:48am - work - by pgmonster - United States (California)

Today, some guy walked into the restaurant I work at and ordered enough food to serve the entire National Guard of Texas. He thanked us by leaving a $0.50 tip and shitting on the bathroom floor. FML

#21413064
73 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22192) - you deserved it (1433)

On 05/20/2015 at 2:40pm - work - by kmctl - United States (California)

Today, I was fired for not asking a senior citizen for proof that he was over 21 and legally allowed to purchase alcohol. When I told my manager he was clearly over 21, he replied, "But what if he WASN'T?" FML

#21412440
105 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27168) - you deserved it (2884)

On 05/19/2015 at 7:43am - work - by Anonymous (man) - United States (California)

Today, I took my family to Disneyland. My husband had more fun than my five year old daughter. He was hitting on the princesses. FML

#21411433
78 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26887) - you deserved it (2565)

On 05/17/2015 at 12:08pm - love - by creepedoutmom (woman) - United States (California)

Today, after getting my dream job and quitting old one, I was told my position is strictly "experimental" and will only last 2 months. FML

#21411308
63 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28067) - you deserved it (3076)

On 05/17/2015 at 2:31am - work - by fuckkkkk - United States (California)

Today, I caught my ex trying to slash my car tires with a knife. She actually had the balls to claim she was testing my tire pressure, before power-walking off into the distance like nothing had happened. FML

#21410715
77 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26751) - you deserved it (2336)

On 05/15/2015 at 9:17pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (California)

Today, I woke up to the sound of my little sister knocking on my door. Today's my birthday, so I thought she'd surprise me with something. Instead, she just asked me, "How's it feel to be a year older and still alone?" I just turned 20. The truth hurts. FML

Today, I got a text saying I was "banned" from a volunteer group by the vice chair. Why? Because him dumping me the night before and leaving me in the bar alone drunk and crying wasn't enough for him, apparently. FML

#21410356
71 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27440) - you deserved it (2323)

On 05/15/2015 at 1:40am - love - by bluestripedsockm - United States (California)

Today, my grandpa told me he was going to be eating out tonight, and I asked at which restaurant. He replied "Your gran's room." and winked. I didn't need that mental image, at all. FML

#21409445
65 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29899) - you deserved it (2669)

On 05/13/2015 at 12:00pm - misc - by -_- (woman) - United States (California)

Today, while waitressing, I served a family with a little girl who was wearing a Frozen shirt. I told her I'm friends with Elsa and that she taught me to sing. The girl asked me to sing a song, so I did. Not even 5 seconds in, she started bawling. FML

#21408927
93 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26620) - you deserved it (10699)

On 05/12/2015 at 12:38pm - kids - by NotAPrincess - United States (California)

Today, I learned I'm claustrophobic by having a raging oh-god-I'm-gonna-fucking-die panic attack while I was stuck inside an MRI scanner. FML

#21408444
76 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24886) - you deserved it (1983)

On 05/11/2015 at 3:39pm - health - by birchbeer - United States (California)



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