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  • - Concept: An anecdote always starts with Today and ends with FML. There are no taboo subjects, feel free to express yourself.
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FMLs submitted from California

Today, my wallet was stolen from my purse at work. When I asked my boss to pull the security tape so we could identify the thief, he said, "I don't think I want to know who it is." FML

#21462817
32 comments

I agree, your life sucks (6527) - you deserved it (387)

On 08/31/2015 at 12:50am - work - by bgierczak2 - United States (California)

Today, I watered a dying communal plant. I was fined $250 for littering. FML

#21462582
46 comments

I agree, your life sucks (7243) - you deserved it (543)

On 08/30/2015 at 1:46pm - misc - by Waterer - United States (California)

Today, I caught my girlfriend cheating on me. Now she's threatening to kill herself if I don't forgive her. FML

#21462044
224 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21091) - you deserved it (1410)

On 08/29/2015 at 7:28am - love - by Anonymous (man) - United States (California)

Today, I washed all the dishes and cups from the family dinner last night and put them away. When my wife saw, she had a mini OCD breakdown and yelled at me because the cups weren't lined up with each other with the handles aligned and the flower pictures facing out left. FML

#21461576
109 comments

I agree, your life sucks (19236) - you deserved it (2480)

On 08/28/2015 at 1:41am - love - by Anonymous (man) - United States (California)

Today, I happily announced to my parents that I'm pregnant. My dad later handed me a printout containing a list of nearby abortion clinics. FML

#21461568
0 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22003) - you deserved it (1981)

On 08/28/2015 at 1:06am - kids - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (California)

Today, after working 8 hours and immediately packing my house for another 6 hours to prepare for moving, I was extremely exhausted and more than ready to brush my teeth and go to bed. I tiredly brushed my teeth with my mascara. FML

#21461561
41 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20100) - you deserved it (3510)

On 08/28/2015 at 12:40am - misc - by morethanablondemoment - United States (California)

Today, I was washing my face like I normally do. My mom walked by as I was wiping my face and said "That's the washcloth I use to wipe my ass!" My dad and brothers are now only addressing me as "Assface." FML

#21460902
54 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20417) - you deserved it (2081)

On 08/26/2015 at 9:55am - misc - by aaaaaaaaasssssssssssssss (woman) - United States (California)

Today, I was undressing for my girlfriend. I thought I was being all smooth and sexy, until I went to sit on the side of the bed and beckon her over. Instead, I sat heavily on my balls, screamed, then fell off the bed sobbing like a girl. FML

#21460410
73 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21188) - you deserved it (5366)

On 08/25/2015 at 3:32am - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - United States (California)

Today, I was flirting with a cute girl at a club. She seemed into me and said I was hot. I said thanks and grinned. I guess my grin looked psychopathic, because her expression turned to horror and she quickly excused herself. That was the only girl who's ever shown any interest in me. FML

#21460121
70 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20289) - you deserved it (2102)

On 08/24/2015 at 3:18pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (California)

Today, my husband and I locked our keys in the car. Our only spare is in the drawer with all our sex toys. So we either had to get our oldest go in the drawer and get them to bring to us or walk the 12 miles home. My feet will never recover from that walk. FML

#21459919
155 comments

I agree, your life sucks (15403) - you deserved it (21018)

On 08/24/2015 at 12:25am - intimacy - by Anonymous - United States (California)

Today, I had my driver's permit in an envelope to keep it safe and a letter to mail out. I drove away from the post office with the letter in my hand. FML

#21459843
41 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17235) - you deserved it (7391)

On 08/23/2015 at 9:40pm - misc - by JadeDemolition (woman) - United States (California)

Today, at my sister's wedding, I got my 15 month old son to 'sign' the big guest book. I gave him a pen and was hoping for a cute little squiggle or something. But no, he managed to draw something that looked uncannily like a big swastika. FML

#21459659
84 comments

I agree, your life sucks (12693) - you deserved it (12239)

On 08/23/2015 at 12:46pm - kids - by Anonymous - United States (California)

Today, I had a box full of crickets in my room. I sealed it up with tape and went to take a shower. When I returned, I found that the box had popped open, releasing almost all of the crickets. I can still hear the chirping. FML



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