FMLs submitted from Arkansas

Today, while meeting a new client, their assistant said I looked familiar. Before my brain could stop me, I blurted out, "I do porn." FML

by Foot In Mouth / 07/12/2016 at 10:46pm / United States (Arkansas) / Work

Today, while updating my résumé, I noticed that in my list of achievements it said "Torturing middle school students". I meant "tutoring", but I guess this explains why I'm still unemployed a year after I started looking for a job. FML

by fuckel4 / 07/01/2016 at 4:12pm / United States (Arkansas) / Work

Today, my morning started off by stepping in my dog's piss by the door. Then, stepping in my husband's piss by the toilet. FML

by pissedoff / 06/28/2016 at 7:53am / United States (Arkansas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was dumping some old milk in the sink and noticed it wasn't going down. Assuming food was clogging the drain, I stuck my hand down in it to remove the food. I removed a blueberry and half a cockroach. FML

by Sarah-grace / 05/17/2016 at 6:20pm / United States (Arkansas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I finally scrounged up enough change to do laundry, so I loaded up my car, swung by the bank to take out my rent money, and stopped at a gas station to get a drink. When I came outside, my car was gone, along with all my clothes and rent money. FML

by CaptainKidd / 01/29/2016 at 9:34pm / United States (Arkansas) / Transportation

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my life finally seemed to be getting on track after recovering from major depression, paying off most of my debt, and scoring an amazing job. And then I woke up. FML

by sad as shit / 12/31/2015 at 7:41pm / United States (Arkansas) / Health

Today, I asked a guy out. He told me no. Well, his exact words were "I would never go out with a whale, sorry." Then he went on to make whale noises. FML

by Anonymous / 11/02/2015 at 2:05pm / United States (Arkansas) / Love

Today, my brother's recent creepy behavior suddenly made sense when I found "How to seduce your sister?" in his browser search history. FML

by Anonymous / 10/24/2015 at 10:33pm / United States (Arkansas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found my daughter's fanfiction account. I need a new pair of eyes, or brain bleach, or both. FML

by Anonymous / 10/18/2015 at 10:23am / United States (Arkansas) / Kids

Today, at the small daycare I run, I turned around to put something away. I heard a splashing sound and then saw one of my kids vomiting. He puked several times, and managed to hit the only rug in the entire house. FML

by Anonymous / 09/18/2015 at 5:14pm / United States (Arkansas) / Kids

Today, my boyfriend murmured his sister's name during sex. Before you say he was thinking of someone else with the same name, I've only ever met one person in our town called Nohemi. FML

by Anonymous / 06/21/2015 at 12:38am / United States (Arkansas) / Intimacy

Today, I found out that my grandparents are going to take my car away and sell it because they're pissed I'm moving in with my boyfriend. FML

by allisonpaige21 / 06/18/2015 at 6:31pm / United States (Arkansas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I started my new job at a haunted house. I figured I'd change clothes when I got home, since my bloody shirt and zombie makeup were blatantly just an outfit. I barely made it 10 minutes before I was pinned to the ground at gunpoint, cuffed, and needing new underwear. FML

by Anonymous / 06/13/2015 at 11:47am / United States (Arkansas) / Work