FMLs submitted from Arizona

Today, my girlfriend dumped me. This poses a problem, because her mother is my boss, and we work in an office on the first story of their apartment. Tomorrow I have to decide whether to quit my awesome and only job, or go to work for my now ex's mother in their house. FML

by M.A. / 02/25/2014 at 12:22am / United States (Arizona) / Love

Today, I heard my sister talking to my mom about me, saying that I have the ability to suck the life out of a room like a Dementor. I walked in and asked what she meant by that. My mom replied, "She means you're an asshole." I love you too, mom. FML

by jigglepuff / 02/09/2014 at 12:00pm / United States (Arizona) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex. After a while, he started staring at my lady parts, and said my "vag looks like a mockingjay". He then stretched the lips apart like wings and made little "CA-CAW CA-CAW!" sounds. FML

by Goodyear / 01/19/2014 at 10:59pm / United States (Arizona) / Intimacy

Today, my husband and I decided to have a quickie before the kids woke up from their nap. The sex was amazing and I couldn't hold in my screams or not hit the wall. About 15 minutes in, both of our children came busting in with their nerf guns, screaming, "Where's the monster?" FML

by anon / 01/12/2014 at 8:53pm / United States (Arizona) / Intimacy

Today, I used the restroom at a mall. I thought I was alone, so I started singing. When I got out of the stall, there were men staring at me. Not only did I embarrass myself with my own singing, I'd accidentally used the men's restroom too. FML

by Anonymous / 01/11/2014 at 7:26pm / United States (Arizona) / Miscellaneous

Today, a weird guy in pajama pants and a fake hair-hat kept standing by us at a concert. Everyone talked about what a creep he was. I would have too, but he was my dad. FML

by sammers27 / 12/19/2013 at 8:48am / United States (Arizona) / Miscellaneous

Today, I swallowed and nearly choked to death on the ring my boyfriend hid in my wine glass. It's still in me somewhere, and my doctor basically told me that I'll have to "keep an eye on things" if I want to find it. FML

by fecal romance / 11/23/2013 at 5:32am / United States (Arizona) / Love

Today, a girl came up and hugged me. At first I was frightened, but then I asked who she was. Turns out she was the kid I babysat for 3 years. She cried when she realized I didn't remember her, then threw gravel in my face and ran away. FML

by haleymcaldwell / 11/12/2013 at 1:43pm / United States (Arizona) / Kids

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, a customer called me "chink eyes", "dog eater", "bloody Chinese communist" and "ching chong." I'm black. FML

by mustabeendrugs / 10/13/2013 at 9:14pm / United States (Arizona) / Work

Today, someone stole my card number and tried to use it. Every transaction got declined, not because the bank knew it was a fraudulent charge, but because I'm so poor that he couldn't make even a single purchase. FML

by NykP / 10/02/2013 at 12:56pm / United States (Arizona) / Money

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my mom blew her top when I casually mentioned that it's pretty well known that the story of Jesus is a retelling of older Persian and Egyptian stories. She then went on to yell at me that I wasted my money on college and "book learning". FML

by Anonymous / 10/01/2013 at 7:36pm / United States (Arizona) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was at the doctor's getting a check up. He asked me if I was allergic to anything, to which I blurted out, "Cats." He gave me a weird look and said, "Don't worry, I won't give you cats." FML

by NoNotCats =^._.^= / 09/03/2013 at 4:17am / United States (Arizona) / Health

Today, I found out after spending my life's income on paying for my grandma's cancer treatment that she has been faking it. FML

by scammed / 08/29/2013 at 2:48pm / United States (Arizona) / Health