FMLs submitted from Arizona

Today, I overheard my brother telling his friend that having sex with a girl who's on the pill gives the guy female hormones and "turns you into like, half-chick, half-dude." He was serious. How am I related to this moron? FML

by Anonymous / 10/03/2014 at 4:43pm / United States (Arizona) / Kids

Today, I was going for my morning walk, when a guy in a massive truck drove up beside me, with a kid no more than 4 riding shotgun. I lost my faith in humanity when his tiny voice yelled through the window, "Nice ass!" FML

by Anonymous / 09/13/2014 at 10:39am / United States (Arizona) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got a job. My parents have decided it's now a better idea to take money from my paycheck instead of grounding me. FML

by unseeable / 08/29/2014 at 5:21pm / United States (Arizona) / Money

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I told my husband that I'm jealous of all the other girls whose husbands always take pictures of them together and post them online. He responded by posting a picture of himself, with me on the toilet in the background, captioned "The bitch on the pot." FML

by Anonymous / 08/19/2014 at 2:16pm / United States (Arizona) / Love

Today, I hooked up with a girl at a club, and we had sex. She just lay there like a corpse the whole time. It got so bad, I ended up faking an orgasm and blaming the lack of semen on a botched vasectomy. She actually believed it. What the hell? FML

by Anonymous / 08/12/2014 at 4:24pm / United States (Arizona) / Intimacy

Today, I sped off down the road, then realized to my horror that my cat was clinging to the roof of the car. FML

by beccadabeast / 06/30/2014 at 2:44am / United States (Arizona) / Animals

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, less than a week after ranting to my husband about how sick some people are to sexualize characters from kids' TV shows, I looked through his browser history and found out he's very much into Powerpuff Girls porn. FML

by Anonymous / 06/29/2014 at 12:18pm / United States (Arizona) / Intimacy

Today, I put my headphones on and laid down to relax to some music. I fell asleep, and woke up later to a police officer busting into my house. My neighbor had been knocking on my door, then looked through my window and saw me on my couch, and was convinced I'd died. FML

by I'm Not Dead Yet / 06/09/2014 at 3:37pm / United States (Arizona) / Miscellaneous

Today, my cat decided to hide in the garbage can so he could get a free trip outside, but was too fat to climb all of the way inside of it. He got stuck half-way in. It took me ten minutes to get him out. FML

by LyraAlluse / 05/18/2014 at 7:35pm / United States (Arizona) / Animals

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was at my retail job and we had to change the mannequin's outfit. I had to hold her while my manager grabbed the new outfit. I rested my head on her naked plastic chest, and it was the closest I've got to affection in years. FML

by imaginationdarling / 05/13/2014 at 7:42pm / United States (Arizona) / Work

Today, I was out drinking with some colleagues, when one started ranting about some pretty sensitive subjects. There were some Latino guys nearby, and as soon as he said "I'm not racist, but..." I tried to casually get the hell out of there. We all got the crap beaten out of us anyway. FML

by fuck you, Jeff / 04/25/2014 at 7:45pm / United States (Arizona) / Health

Today, due to my short temper, I punched myself in the nose because I wouldn't stop sneezing. FML

by Ow / 04/18/2014 at 7:09am / United States (Arizona) / Health

Today, I had my teacher look over my essay before turning it in. He said it was extremely well-written, so I handed it in. When I got it back, the feedback he left said it was one of the worst essays he'd ever read. FML

by badessaymyass / 04/17/2014 at 3:59pm / United States (Arizona) / Work