FMLs submitted from Arizona

Today, my mom asked my siblings and me for help cleaning the kitchen. After working for a half hour while all my siblings sat on the couch, I pointed out that I was the only one working. My mom thanked my siblings for not having attitudes like mine and sent me to my room. FML

by Anonymous / 02/08/2015 at 11:47pm / United States (Arizona) / Miscellaneous

Today, we had a drug search at school. After the search, we went back inside. My bag was open, and my lunch was gone. FML

by blububble412 / 01/21/2015 at 10:46pm / United States (Arizona) / Miscellaneous

Today, after having sex with my boyfriend, we were cuddling when he grabbed his penis and made it say, "That was amazing! Thank you for the sex." He's 21 years old. FML

by myboyfriendisweird / 01/04/2015 at 9:50pm / United States (Arizona) / Love

Today, while at work at a call center, I got a call from an elderly man who needed a new credit card because he'd accidentally cut up his own card instead of his wife's. Trying to be funny, I said "Trying to keep her in line, eh?" Turns out his wife had just died. FML

by kbug95 / 01/03/2015 at 3:20pm / United States (Arizona) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my boyfriend finally played the new guitar I bought to replace the one he broke. He used a $1000 guitar to play me a moving song about my butt. FML

by ButtWorthSingingBout / 01/01/2015 at 1:16pm / United States (Arizona) / Love

Today, after we had sex, my boyfriend told me how my orgasms used to make him think I was having a seizure. FML

by GladYoureConcerned / 12/30/2014 at 1:15pm / United States (Arizona) / Intimacy

Today, I set up a profile on a dating app, stating that I'm awkward amongst other things. Within minutes, a guy messaged me. I was thrilled, until he started threatening me because he has Aspergers, and according to him, only they are "allowed" to be awkward. I had to delete my profile. FML

by happytuckerhappy / 12/29/2014 at 7:41pm / United States (Arizona) / Love

Today, I got into a fight with my sister. Later on she brought me a bowl of tortilla chips, which I thought was her way of apologizing. I found out too late that she'd licked the flavoring off them and it was really her way of saying "Fuck you." FML

by Anonymous / 12/27/2014 at 3:53pm / United States (Arizona) / Kids

Today, I received a package from my deployed husband. It contained a scarf, a letter, and a bag full of his pubes. FML

by Anonymous / 12/02/2014 at 12:39pm / United States (Arizona) / Love

Today, I saw a long black hair coming out of the drain. Thinking it was my sister's, I called her in and pulled it out for her to see, only to realize I was actually pulling out a long brown roach by the antenna. FML

by izzy46111 / 11/11/2014 at 11:56am / United States (Arizona) / Animals

Today, the last of my close friends announced she is pregnant. Meanwhile, I'm single and my nest is empty. Well, not exactly, because even my freaking cat is pregnant. FML

by NoBabies / 11/08/2014 at 11:06pm / United States (Arizona) / Kids

Today, I dressed up as my friend for Halloween. He has a very distinct style and I thought my costume was pretty clever. When he saw me, he said he had never been so offended in his entire life, and now I feel like a complete asshole. FML

by Anonymous / 11/01/2014 at 1:47am / United States (Arizona) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was giving lifeguard instructions to a couple of teens. When I quizzed them about what they should do when someone is choking, one of them said, "Take a step back" and winked at me. FML

by Australian Lifeguard / 10/21/2014 at 11:18pm / United States (Arizona) / Work