FMLs submitted from Alberta

Today, my father passed away. I called my boss to let him know about the situation. His only response before hanging up: "Shit, dude. Well, I'll see you in the morning, these reports won't write themselves." FML

by Anonymous / 05/23/2015 at 10:50am / Canada (Alberta) / Work

Today, my girlfriend surprised me with what was allegedly a birthday "cake". It was so horribly deformed, I wasn't sure whether to eat it or wear it as a hat. I had to pretend it didn't taste like play-doh, and ended up throwing it up in the toilet. Happy birthday to me. FML

by Anonymous / 05/11/2015 at 12:06pm / Canada (Alberta) / Love

Today, my 6-year-old daughter barged into the bathroom while I was peeing, inspected the toilet and said, "You're well hydrated, good job." FML

by seethroughpee / 05/06/2015 at 1:22am / Canada (Alberta) / Kids

Today, my grandma told me point-blank that she despises gays, but that she'll go to my wedding for the booze and nothing more. FML

by leonuniz / 04/19/2015 at 12:34pm / Canada (Alberta) / Love

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend repeatedly whispering in my ear, "You want to give me a blowjob". Yes, he actually thought it would work. FML

by Anonymous / 04/07/2015 at 5:00pm / Canada (Alberta) / Intimacy

Today, I came back from a week-long vacation where I had no internet whatsoever. I turned on my phone to get notifications, hoping to see a message or two that I'd missed while gone. There was 1 notification, telling me how many FMLs were posted while I was away. FML

by supercharged / 04/05/2015 at 2:03pm / Canada (Alberta) / Geek

Today, I found out that my friend's family has been using red paper to help his little brother with his potty training. "Aim for the red!" they would say to him. I guess today was a bad day to wear red pants. FML

by ILoveLamps / 03/25/2015 at 2:26am / Canada (Alberta) / Kids

Today, while working at McDonald's, a guy asked me to deep fry his salad. FML

by spicybasement / 03/17/2015 at 11:38am / Canada (Alberta) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my boss chewed me out for leaving a work function early. I explained it was to avoid a former co-worker I constantly fought with. The boss revealed he purposely invited that former co-worker, hoping our fight would provide entertainment. FML

by Anonymous / 03/17/2015 at 10:54am / Canada (Alberta) / Work

Today, I fell in the shower and knocked myself out. When I came to I turned off the water and called my mom. She seemed more worried about the amount of water I "wasted" than she was about me. FML

by lordtimbit / 03/15/2015 at 11:01am / Canada (Alberta) / Health

Today, the phone rang while I was on the toilet. I asked my 3-year-old daughter to answer it, only for her to loudly say, "Mommy's on the toilet pooping." FML

by birdisnottheword / 03/11/2015 at 9:55am / Canada (Alberta) / Kids

Today, I got a new job and told everyone about it. A few hours later, I got an email from the executive saying I actually don't have the job anymore. FML

by dontplaywithmyfeelings / 03/02/2015 at 8:42pm / Canada (Alberta) / Work

Today, the guy I've been seeing for a few months told me he couldn't stay overnight because his mom would yell at him for not coming home. We're both 30 and I didn't know he still lived at home. FML

by thenewgirl29 / 02/05/2015 at 11:42am / Canada (Alberta) / Love