FMLs submitted from Alberta

Today, my friends happily announced that although they had been cut, they were still going to be playing on the school's volleyball team. The rumor going around is that everyone who tried out made the team. I never got a call back. FML

by Anonymous / 09/03/2011 at 12:33pm / Canada (Alberta) / Miscellaneous

Today, working as a nurse, I asked a 61-year-old patient if he did any physical activity. His reply was, "Well, I do masturbate a lot". He then went on to describe the various techniques he uses. FML

by rochellamaya / 09/02/2011 at 8:47am / Canada (Alberta) / Intimacy

Today, my girlfriend will only speak to me using Lady Gaga lyrics. FML

by ryanlogan / 08/31/2011 at 2:31am / Canada (Alberta) / Love

Today, I bought my daughter a bunk bed. After spending several hours building it, she climbed up, then fainted. Turns out she's afraid of heights. FML

by bunkbed / 08/30/2011 at 12:45pm / Canada (Alberta) / Kids

Today, I found out what it's like to get brain-freeze while recovering from a head injury. FML

by The captain / 08/21/2011 at 7:09pm / Canada (Alberta) / Health

Today, a stripper came into my work to get some posters copied. She asked if she could pay in small bills. I just touched $50 that have probably rubbed up against a stripper's twat. FML

by ChePow / 08/20/2011 at 2:26pm / Canada (Alberta) / Work

Today, my father described my method of hiding porn on the computer as "extremely naive." I don't know what's worse, that he found my porn or that he's better at hiding his. FML

by Alohaporno / 08/03/2011 at 2:31pm / Canada (Alberta) / Intimacy

Today, I was presented with a bill for $27,601 by my single, alcoholic, deadbeat father. Why? "For having to raise your goddamn lazy ass." FML

by bigbill / 08/03/2011 at 12:45am / Canada (Alberta) / Money

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex, and it was my first time being on top. I got so into it that when I went to put my hands on the wall for support, the shelf above my bed snapped, with my favorite little cactus falling onto his face. FML

by Anonymous / 07/29/2011 at 3:24am / Canada (Alberta) / Intimacy

Today, the gift my mother had mailed me for my birthday finally arrived. It was a gift card for Starbucks. A gift card that had already been redeemed. FML

by coffee girl / 07/22/2011 at 4:31pm / Canada (Alberta) / Miscellaneous

Today, my neighbor finally cut the grass on his front lawn. At 2 in the morning. FML

by anon / 07/20/2011 at 3:55am / Canada (Alberta) / Miscellaneous

Today, I learned that my girlfriend is cheating on me when she was arrested for having sex in public. Not with me though. FML

by ken / 07/19/2011 at 3:40am / Canada (Alberta) / Intimacy

Today, I have horrible morning sickness. I was helping my daughter fingerpaint, when suddenly the smell of the paint set my stomach off. I threw up all over myself and her painting. FML

by deeenalynn / 07/18/2011 at 12:22pm / Canada (Alberta) / Health