FMLs submitted from Alberta

Today, I learned that I cannot cook or clean in my kitchen because it's too noisy for my neighbour. Every time I do, she bangs on the wall. FML

by anonymous / 11/24/2015 at 9:59pm / Canada (Alberta) / Miscellaneous

Today, I asked my school counselor in strict confidence for advice on how to help a friend of mine, who has bulimia. When I got home, I found out that "someone" had called my parents and told them that I'm bulimic. They won't believe the truth. FML

by Anonymous / 11/06/2015 at 4:23pm / Canada (Alberta) / Health

Today, I was called a ruthless bitch for not waking up early to search for my car keys, so my boyfriend could go get his pipe and get high before work. FML

by cantfallbackasleep / 10/22/2015 at 10:05am / Canada (Alberta) / Love

Today, my blind date tried to sell me a vacuum. I bought it. FML

by sniffmyzebra / 10/20/2015 at 3:46pm / Canada (Alberta) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, while I was in the shower, my 4 year old son wondered what would happen if he put 6 eggs in the microwave. FML

by why do eggs explode / 10/12/2015 at 5:35pm / Canada (Alberta) / Kids

Today, my son told me that he doesn't need to go to school because he doesn't need a job. It turns out he plans to get a life sentence in prison and live the rest of his life at the taxpayers' expense. FML

by Anonymous / 10/11/2015 at 12:20am / Canada (Alberta) / Kids

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my parents over lunch. Unfortunately, I showed my dad her Facebook profile beforehand and he wouldn't stop making cracks about her duckfacing. It started with "Don't let her eat the bread, it'll puff up in her stomach and kill her", and ended in tears. FML

by iskalion / 10/10/2015 at 1:39am / Canada (Alberta) / Miscellaneous

Today, after taking my little niece out onto the balcony of her family's new apartment to enjoy the view, we watched as a man jay-walked across the street down below and was run over by a car. My niece is pretty much traumatized for life now. FML

by scarredforlife / 10/02/2015 at 9:13pm / Canada (Alberta) / Miscellaneous

Today, at 8:00am, I walked into the kitchen and stubbed my toe. That's quite a normal occurrence, but this time, I stubbed it on my drunk, passed out, 53-year-old father's forehead. He's mad at me now and has cancelled my allowance. I'm 23. FML

by Anon / 09/28/2015 at 11:18pm / Canada (Alberta) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was laying on the couch, listening to music. I guess my brother noticed that I was yawning a lot, because when I opened my mouth and yawned again, he dropped one of his rancid toenail clippings into my mouth, then broke into hysterical laughter at my freaking out. FML

by argfarblewarblearble / 08/07/2015 at 9:49am / Canada (Alberta) / Kids

Today, I'm five and a half weeks pregnant. One of my coworkers told me that it sucks that I'll have to wait so long to show. I asked her what she meant; she replied, "It's always harder to tell when big girls are pregnant. Can't tell what's fat and what's baby." FML

by pregnantfatty / 06/18/2015 at 8:58pm / Canada (Alberta) / Work

Today, I wore a sleeveless shirt for the first time in years, when I glimpsed something on my shoulder that looked like a spider. I let out a scream that sounded like a donkey having a stroke and flailed my arms. Then I realized it was my tattoo, and that I was freaking out everyone on the bus. FML

by HURP / 06/17/2015 at 11:41am / Canada (Alberta) / Transportation

Today, my boyfriend and I were downtown when he pointed to a girl and said he wished I dressed more like she did. She was obviously a hooker. FML

by anonymous / 06/11/2015 at 10:37am / Canada (Alberta) / Love